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I'm Lazy 5/31/02 CrazyAss13
Yes, I'm lazy. I've been fucking around not updating the site. Thank god CrazyAss13 has some good writers that have been keeping the faith. If you scroll down you'll see new posts by both Mr. Pickles and The Fat Midget, plus a bunch of new reviews by Mr. Pickles and Evilsockm. It's a weeks worth of content in one, one, one day so enjoy. I got to give thanks to those guys for writing shit for my lazy ass. You guys = Awesome! New Reviews Star Wars: Episode II \| Spiderman \| =w=eezer "Maladroit" \| Big League Chew Wacky Links Awhile back I posted a story about Mike Patton and his new group Tomahawk. Click here and check out the 3/21/02 post. In it I asked someone to hook me up with a Mike Patton "urine" pic. Some one did, check it out. The World Cup kicked off today which = Crazy Awesome. Check this and this. If you don't like the world cup you = stupid, backwoods, retard. Duran Duran guitarist Warren Cuccurrulo realistic "Warren knob" dildo. The story about Jack and Meg from White Stripes are husband and wife and not brother and sister like they claim broke a long time ago. Have you seen their marriage license? Plugging You Lax Time \| Funky Shit \| Driven By Boredom \| Kill To Cure More Clones I don't like people taking my shit! http://www.geocities.com/jb2lk/ http://code.thmnetwork.com/sawedoff.php Check out the other new posts below.
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A Swift Kick in the Sac 5/30/02
I want to remind everyone how full of shit Crazyass is. He claims he's been too busy 'moving'. But Fagatron and the rest of us all know the true story. See Crazyass did move, he moved in with his old lady and her cat Bob. (Sorry ladies and gents the very hansom Crazyass is taken) I think they've been having some hardcore sex these past couple of weeks and that is why he has been absent. And I know for a fact that when the lady isn't around Bob is Crazyass's 'secondary' lover. So please Crazyass, in the future, don't bullshit us, your loyal readers don't like to be lied to. Now for the real shit. I've made a list of people who I think need a swift kick in the nads. 1. Cops with mustache's. I HATE mustaches, I think other people do to, sometimes I just grow one to piss people off, it's like a mullet. But when cops have them, you can guarantee they are an asshole. 2. Politicians. All of them. They all lie so damn much and nobody likes them. I have proof. The other night I was at this lounge in a nice restaurant, and one of those assholes comes walking in like he owned the place. He was with his wife and two other people. The lounge was full and their table only had 3 chairs, so 'Larry' went around the lounge trying to borrow a chair, everyone kept saying NO, but I think the best was when Larry went to the last table and asked, because the people sitting there only were using one of the chairs for their coats, and the guy said "Hell No". I walked over to the guy and shook his hand. I think everyone else in the lounge wanted to also. Larry ended up standing. 3. NASCAR fans. Get a fucking life. Don't get me wrong, I like watching racing, but must your life revolve around it? I work with this lady who cried for three fucking days when Earnhardt died. She told me her entire home (trailer) is decorated in racing shit. Try getting some real hobbies, and watching monster truck races and pro wrestling do NOT count. 4. Food Stamp recipients. Every time I go to the freaking grocery store I get caught in line behind one of these assholes. Last time I was in line behind one, the asshole had a case of Dew, a bunch of steaks, potato chips (Pringles-the good ones) and a bunch of other shit he didn't need, then he pulled out the stamps. I was fucking hot. I saw he had a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket, so I said to him that it was too bad he couldn't buy cigs with the stamps also, and I handed him a five. He did'nt say much and ran out the door without taking the money. The cashier just stood there in amazement. I said, you gonna ring me up or just stare at me. Boy I wanted to kick him in the balls. 5. Bank presidents. I went to the bank the other day, and they wouldn't cash a $40 dollar check I had because it was made out to my business and not to me. Even though I showed them that I owned the business. They kept telling me to open a business account. I wanted to find the the bank president and kick him in the balls just for being in charge of this shit. 6. Postal employees. Saturday morning I went to the Post office to buy some stamps. (Don't use the machines, they don't work and I think they know it.) Well of course I put in the only $4 I had to get some stamps and nothing comes out. So I have to stand in line with a bunch of homos who have no clue about what they are sending. The line was pretty long, but I had confidence that it would not take long because there was 3 people helping out. Well to my surprise, well not actually, when there is just three of us left in line (me last) two of the postal pukes decide to take a break. I yelled, where are you going? Of course, no answer. To make matters worse, the two idiots in front of me left their brains at home. The first guy wanted to send deorderant to his brother serving in the military in Vietnam, I did'nt know it was important to smell good when fighting commies. So they had to get approval on it first, then rewrap the package and figure out the weight. Then the next guy could not speak English worth a shit, he was trying to send immigration paperwork, I hope it got all fucked up, and the INS came and got him. One rule, learn English before you come to our country, PLEASE, thank you. So when I finally get up there, I'm pissed, so I explain the situation, he says in this asshole monotone voice "Yeah the door gets stuck" I wanted to say, "While those two pukes were on break they could of fixed it, but I don't care for Federal prison much, so I held back. So he made me fill out this shitty long form, and told me they would be sending me a money order in a few days. I said, you don't understand, I need the stamps today, and I don't have anymore cash on me. He said, "Sorry" I walked away saying "You federal employees make me sick" and I pretended to be puking in the closest garbage can. And to add insult to injury, the other two came back off of break just at that moment. When I got the money order I took it to the bank and endorsed it "Go fuck yourself" in a fancy-smancy script. The cashier laughed and said "I'm sorry, we can't cash this." So I took it home, put it on my toilet paper roll and wiped my ass with it the next time I took a shit. Finally a sense of relief. I have a few more, but I'm so damn irritated right now, I'll wait to share them later. If you don't know already, you can see some of the my art here on the website under 'What is Art'. Hopefully Crazyass will get some of his photography up soon. He did this kickass series on cat's buttholes that puts Maplethorp to shame. Here's some of my favorite art links: www.coopstuff.com, www.shagart.com , www.artchive.com , www.derekhess.com. Or check out the many sites on this freak who lives in Fagatron's neighborhood in New York, Joe Coleman, some deep shit. I'll be back soon with lots of pictures of my upcoming exhibit. Fat Midget

Reaching for the Random...I'm saving my money for Cinco de Juno! 5/30/02
Another year, another Cinco de Mayo.? It came and went with little fanfare in my house, as it does most every year.? Call me a fuddledud, but?I guess I just don't see the point.? Naturally, if I were Hispanic, the holiday would mean something for me.? In the city where I live, the large Hispanic community celebrates the holiday with parades and festivities, which I think is great; it's part of their heritage.? These people are celebrating their culture as they should be.? However I just don't see the purpose for my involvement, on any scale.? It's not?that I don't like to socialize and drink beer, it just that I have a big problem joining the horde of idiots that cling to the various "commercial" holidays as an excuse to party.? "Dude, it's?insert random?holiday here, let's par-tayyyyy!!"? I'm just not sure where to draw the line here.? I'm almost sure that other countries don't celebrate our holidays for us (can you see the French celebrating July 4?), but that is a bit besides the point since America is melting pot of many different cultures.? I understand the need for people to celebrate their heritage, I just wish we'd let them do it and not try to Americanize the whole thing.? If I see one more drunk-frat-boy-asshole wearing a huge sombrero and slurring the three Spanish words he knows, I'm going to start handing out cock punches. It all started a few weeks ago.? This guy I know walks up to me and asks me what I'm doing for Cinco de Mayo this year.? I tell him that I probably won't be doing much of anything, and a boring conversation ensues.? Somewhere in there, he asks me this: "When is Cinco de Mayo this year?"? I assumed he meant "what weekday", so I say "I think it's on a Sunday."? This seems to confuse him even more, and then I realize that he wasn't wondering what weekday it was on, he was wondering what the date of Cinco de Mayo was this year.? Now, I'm not too fluent in any other languages, but I've watched enough Sesame Street in my day to know what "Cinco de Mayo" means(if you are confused at this point, go shoot yourself).? It's the day that Mexico?celebrates?their victory over the French, and it's on May 5th, EVERY YEAR!? Most people know this, but instead of going?downtown to experience some good authentic Mexican food, they put on their favorite Abercrombie and Fitch shirt and go to the bar and pay $5 to have access to overpriced?"Mexican" beers.?? Now it's all making sense.? It's no wonder other countries hate us.? They think we're a bunch of arrogant pricks, but it seems that some of us are too stupid to be arrogant. Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't celebrate holidays with beer and revelry, I'm just saying that, at the very least, we should have a little respect for the origins of the holiday.? In this country, holidays are nothing short of an excuse for companies to sell you shit.? I hate "holiday specific" advertising as much as I do those fucking campaign?commercials that I see?every November.? "Come join the party, and don't forget to buy 3 cases of Corona!? After all, you look a lot more credible when you have a Mexican beer in your hand, gringo!"? Even worse than Cinco de Mayo would be St. Patrick's Day.? Fucking everybody thinks they are?Irish.? No, you're grandpa is not Irish, you have no Irish blood in you, and pretending to like Guinness for one day will not make you Irish.? Believe it or not, St. Patrick was a missionary, and he wasn't even Irish by birth.? He was actually British, and was kidnapped and taken to Ireland, where he spread Christianity(Catholicism) to the masses.? No, he didn't chase snakes out of Ireland as the legend goes.? Somehow, the tale that he used a shamrock to?explain the mystery of the Trinity(Three-in-one...this is not a lesson in Christianity) led to the implementation of green beer as a means to celebrate his achievements.? That's fine and dandy, just count me out.? And don't get me started on Valentines Day.? V-Day is the biggest crock-of-shit holiday of them all.? I hate Valentines Day.? If there is a special person in you're life and the only day you do something for them is on a designated holiday, then you are a sorry sack of shit.? If you want to have an impact, don't do something the same as everyone else, do something unique and original.??They will remember the thing you bought them on insert random day here, then what you got them?on Valentines Day, and you WILL get laid.? Valentines day is the Viagra of holidays; and I don't know about you, but I don't need none of that shit.? I guess the only exceptions to my rant would be Mother's and Father's day.? These days were created for the honoring of mothers and fathers.? I like these holidays because it's a great reminder of the things we sometimes take for granted.? If you didn't call your mom to tell her you love her, you should be shot in the forehead with a?BB gun.? And call your dad this Father's day, even if he is in jail. So I guess my point is this: party and have a good time with your friends, just don't make an ass out of yourself.? Take me and my friends for example.? Once a month, we have the "GOG & GROG", which is a gathering of old friends for the sole purposes of drinking beer and playing video games?ALL weekend.? We made up this holiday, and we don't have to wait for that one day each year, we do it every month.? And trust me, it's way better than going to the bar and mingling with Neanderthals and drunk sluts.? Viva la GROG! Cheers. Mr. Pickles
MrPickles \|

Goodbye, Minnesota Fats 5/22/02 Fagatron2093
As sure as I am that Crazy Ass is a homo that likes to fist himself in the little closet hes created, Im sure that all you regular readers out there are dying to know the place that I, Fagatron 2093, call home. Tell you what, since Im moving to New York City in a week, I shall reveal to you my secret lair. Its a suburb of Minneapolis, Minnesota known as Maple Grove. Having heard this sacred snippet of info, surely you are now asking your computer monitor, Where is this Maple Grove so that I may make a pilgrimage to what is now my holy land. Your computer monitor cannot tell you, for it cannot speak. Your speakers can talk, but I never fucking tell my secrets to god damned computer speakers! Oh sure, you could look at a map, but why not follow my fun clues to Maple Grove instead? First, look for a place filled with strip malls and an overabundance of moms and minivans. Second, look for the newly opened, very first Krispy Kreme Doughnuts ever in Minnesota! Leaving this suburban shithole was already a given for me thanks to this places disproportionate population of babies and junior high school students (the two often being one and the same), but the erection of Krispy Kreme really clinched it for me that it was time to get the fuck out. Not that I have a problem with delicious doughnuts, mind you. No, no, its not that at all. Its the fact that the opening of this chain caused not only massive lines to form at its doors over 24 hours before opening day, it also brought out every news outlet in the entire city. The opening of Krispy Kreme became headline news across the state (and knowing the area, was also a major media story in Iowa, Wisconsin, and the Dakotas, as well). It would be easy to say that it was Krispy Kremes fine product that brought about this statewide excitement, but the fact of the matter is people in Minnesota are fat and love it. They enjoy eating a lot! And when another major opportunity to eat fried dough presents itself, the population of this pork town comes a running. Dont believe me? Take a look at just one of the many people waiting in line. As further proof of this fact, one need go no further than the Minnesota State Fair. Here you can find a bevy of booths selling all things deep fried to all manner of spherical partakers. It was at this gathering of heifers that I realized were I able to keep my weight under 200 pounds for the next ten years, I would be like Superman to this states population. I would be able to move faster, leap higher, and perform miraculous deeds (such as stand up from the couch without getting winded), much to everyones amazement. Alas, Minnesota, I could not stay to be your hero. A place where murder beats out new eateries on the front page beckons me, so I must go. Dont be sad, though. Whenever I see a person with legs that look like cottage cheese wrapped in a wet sack, Ill think of you and get a little homesick. Meaning, Ill feel like throwing up at the thought of this state. Fagatron2093

The State Of CrazyAss13 5/20/02 CrazyAss13
Judging by the email I've been getting more then a few of you have been wondering what the fuck is up with CrazyAss13? I'm not dead, nor is CrazyAss13.com. I moved and then I took a break. That's it folks. But let's not talk about the past. Let's talk about the future. The good thing about taking a break is I got a ton of content stockpiled. So be sure to check this bitch every day again. I pretty much had to update tonight because I got this sad email from my good friend Fagatron 2093. Hey gaywad, ? I come to an Internet cafe and pay $5 for a half hour of time, check Crazyass13.com and find out it hasn't been updated for almost a month. What's the hold up, Perm? I know for a fact you have a short piece from me and a review to do, so get with it. By the way, the Hives and the Moonie Suzukis are playing together here in June, but that doesn't stop you from being a homosexual. ? Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday, and all I want from you as a gift is an update to the site...and anal sex. ? Later homo, ? Fagatron 2093 Happy Birthday Fagarton 2093 Here's your update but the anal sex thing isn't going to happen. I'm a giver not a receiver. Fucking Reviews Dude Mooney Suzuki "Electric Sweat" \| Tom Waits "Alice" & "Blood Money" The Strokes "Is This It" \| System of a Down "Toxicity ( with bonus?DVD)" Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force \| Soldier of Fortune I got few more coming. Wacky Links A few of these might be older then sin but I've been busy. I sooooo want to know what Spider Monkey tastiest like. Former Nashville Pussy axe woman Corey Parks in a state of undress. Make your semen taste like a delicious apple! Plugging You Don't Mess Around \| Psychopigs \| South London Meat Market Shit I Still Read Like I said I've been busy as all hell, but a few sites make my daily reads no matter how busy I am. But before I get into that, this site reminds me of crazyass13.com. I wonder why? Big Dark Cloud \| Perfect Echo \| Rex Magazine \| AjayOnline \| Sinnocence CrazyAss13 is back so suck it!
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