|
Site
or AIM
Archive
What The Fuck?
What Is Art?
Random Reads
Daily Reads
Big Dark Cloud
Perfect Echo
Loaded Again
Rex Magazine
AjayOnline
Outbreed
CrazyFuckedUpShit
Funky Shit
Poosah
Sinnocence
BathTubGirl
Link Me
Vote For Me
Funky Shit 50
FreakFarm 51
IWANG 50
|
 |
|
|
|
Shout "WOOOOOOO!"!
6/27/02
|
Just to get this out of the way, this post has nothing to do with Ric Flair, wrestling fans, or pro wrestling in general. Just so that's clear.
No, my friends, we have something far more nefarious to discuss today. Recently, while attending an Art Alexakis concert, I began to notice a rather disturbing trend. It seems that whenever a person is unexpectedly thrust into the spotlight anymore, TV has taught us that there are only about 3 acceptable things to do. One is reserved for video, the other two are more tailored for still cam shots. Since all of these actions have become such a bane on society with the continued growth of the interweb, I feel that action must be taken. And since I don't feel that the word "gesture" does these horrible acts justice, I will refer to them as "Afflictions" from here on out. So let's get started.
Affliction #1: The "Thumbs-Up"
Ok, this is obviously the most common of the afflictions facing todays population. Chances are, if you ever tried to get a pic of your buddies, you got at least one asshole giving you this beauty. It's like the camera has a sign on it that says "Thumbs up, now, jackass!" And people listen to that shit like it came from GOD. I know EVERYONE has at least one picture of themselves doing this (myself included). It's so well-known, I don't have much else to say about it. Except this: It's gotta stop. Really.
Affliction #2: The "Finger"
So does anybody remember back in the day when doing this to someone was an invitation to fight? I do. That's right, I grew up in the eighties, when the power of the "bird" was at an all-time high. Therefore, I have seen the finger, and I know it's past it's prime. yes, folks, it's time to hang up the boots for this grizzled veteran of photo lore and rebellious outburst. The day of the finger is long behind us. You know this is true about as well as I do. Giving someone the finger these days serves about the same purpose as the "Hi" wave or the "What's Up" nod. Nobody gets pissed about it anymore. So, I ask you, why is it necessary to have at least 50 pictures of your friends practicing this antiquated ritual? The answer: It isn't. Live with it. It's like the mullet: When your hairstyle gets a name, get rid of it. Same with your finger gestures. This is not to say that variations on the finger are out, such as the "Fishing Reel Flip Off," but it does imply a sense of responsibility to be creative, and give the world something new. Future teens will thank you for your thoughtfulness.
Affliction #3: "WOOOOOOOO!"
Here we have the grandaddy of them all. This one's annoyance factor can really only be seen on video, but has been known to accompany affliction #1 and affliction #2 during the picture taking. But at least then, you don't have to hear it. For some reason, society has taught us that this is the proper noise to make when someone is in a spotlight situation, or has a microphone. For example, at the aforementioned Art Alexakis concert, Art was kind enough to bring a few lucky audience members on stage with him to help perform some of the songs. However, in a shocking turn of events, Art asked these "normal" people to perform a solo at his behest. First up: a dancing, bouncing, blonde sorority girl. When Art said "SOLO!" she immediately walked right up to the microphone, raised her hands above her head, and screeched (you guessed it) "WOOOOOOOO!!!" into the microphone! The world seemed to stand still. Everyone got a blank stare on their face (the kind you get when your mind has just been assaulted by an incredibly annoying sound barrage) and just kind of looked at her. Art looked dejected, and said, quite simply, "That's it?" That's it, Art. Whatever happened to the good old days when people would just take their shirts off or something? It's a mystery.
Now before the emails start rolling in about how "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" and "Like you never did either of these things before, Evilsock" let me just say this: yes, I am as guilty as the rest of the world when it comes to this. But I am trying to change it. My buddy MN2 came up with a new hand gesture for photos that puts the finger and the thumbs-up to shame. He calls it the "Shocker." If you can't figure out what it means, I'm not going to tell you. This is a family website. And I'm working on a replacement for "WOOOOOOO." I'm tossing around the idea of maybe "By the power of Greyskull!" or "Thundercats, HO!" or even perhaps "Sweet Buttermilk and Titties!" (thanks Mr. Pickles). But don't take my word for it. Create your own little niches and maybe the world won't seem quite so boring. If ya smell what the sock is cookin.
Quick Linkers: Drizunk, X-Entertainment, Seanbaby
-
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Girls Suck!
6/25/02
|
 Unlike the other nutless wonders that write for this website (mainly crazyass) I am single. Yes, Fat Midget really does refer to a short guy with a beer gut. But I've been told it's my attitude that gets me NO women, not my looks (go fuck yourself OPRAH). My personality is a bit overbearing, I have a big mouth, I drink until I forget people's names (I still don't remember Crazyass's girlfriends name, Kimmy?), and I have such a bad case of gas, I even gross myself out sometimes - but enough of charming all of you to death! Girls suck! 99.9% of women suck (except you Kimmy! -just covering my bases.) If it's not the size of your wiener it's the size of your wallet. I give up. And why don't you just tell us when your on the rag, I'm sick of guessing at that shit! But now for the proof.
One of the biggest problems I have is when I do get an opportunity to sniff around the nest, some other girl screws it up for me. This happened to me a few weeks ago. I have several friends as women, I think they feel sorry for me, they usually fuck things up the most. They always tell me they are just my friend, and could never get nasty with me, but boy, they sure are quick to jump in the middle of a conversation I'm having with a lovely lady (that I'm trying to bone). Now for the facts. It all started on a Thursday night, girl A. called me to go to supper. She's this girl that used to live here, and she is staying with her parents for a few weeks before moving to Texas. I never really had a thing for her, but after we had supper and a few drinks, her cleavage began to look great! (of yeah, one more reason I don't get laid, I'm a pig) But what lie ahead was very, very unfortunate. She started buying me more drinks at this dive downtown, by the time we got back to my place, I could not see straight, and I probably called her a different name a few times. Well she decided to climb in the old bed with me. All I remember after that was her climbing on top of me with her lips straight out in front, and that's ALL I remember! So much for girl A., the ol' bottle got the best of me again (fuck you Johnny Cash!). But this wasn't the whole story, the next morning when girl A. was leaving, the LOVE den hastily, while trying not to laugh, I noticed I had some messages. I waited until girl A. left then I checked them. I had four phone calls from girl B. Girl B. is this girl I've known for awhile, and about a year ago I wanted to do a couple rounds with her but she wasn't interested at the time, well she was calling to hang out. (nice that you call, the same night I'm with big tits). So I gave girl B. a call Friday after work, she said she wanted to go drinking. I'll tell you something, I was still riding the pine from the night before, so I decided to take it easy (not to mention, I wanted Mr. Willys to work if the opportunity came up. Sure enough, we went out, but this time she got totally blasted instead of me. She asked me if it was ok to crash at my house (I was hoping my bed did not smell like the flussie that I had in there the night before). I said sure, well girl B. decided to make the moves, we began to make out, when the next thing I know she's passed out. Tables turned this time. Once again, the next morning she did not recall anything, and needed a ride home. (I think she remembered what happened, but didn't want to say anything.) Well, by now, you are probably thinking old Midget's luck couldn't get much worse, well this iscrazyass13.com and you damn well know things do get worse! (refer to Mr.Pickles story about the underware plugging the toilet)
It's Saturday night, and I'm a free man, I'm just hoping to have a couple vodka tonics by myself at a local dive and passout in my living room by myself, which DID happen, but it still doesn't stop the painful story I'm about to tell. Saturday night is the night of girl C. with an interruption of girl B. So I'm hanging out at the local dump I usually hang out at, drinking $2 drinks and admiring the last existing Spuds Mckensie sign in the world on the carpeted wall. As I get up to leave, I see girl C. It's someone I've known for awhile, and she has always been flirtatious with me so, I took a shot (and believe it or not, she is shorter than me) We talked for a long time, and at one point she even asked me to call her sometimes and gave me her business card (yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but she is a professional). I was feeling pretty good about girl C., so I knew this wasn't going to last something bad would eventually happen, and it did. All of a sudden someone grabs me from behind, hugging my waist, It's girl B. What great fucking timing, I couldn't have been more excited! I wanted to say "Why weren't you that fiesty last night?" She asked what was going on, and started glaring at girl C. I thought I was doomed, and I had to recover, once girl B walked off I explained to girl C. that girl B. was an artist friend of mine, and that seemed to work, for awhile anyway. Well girl C. left and told me to call her. After she was gone I went to talk to girl B., who quickly asked who girl C. was. I said, oh just an old friend of an X girlfriend (which was true) she was fine after that. As I thought I was out of the red with girl B and girl C, it couldn't get worse. Girl B. began to hug on me and tell her friend how wonderful I was the night before for letting her crash at my house, when girl C. walked through the door. Boy, that did NOT ROCK! But I always try to stay positive about these things. So I decided that next day I would call C. Maybe try to do a little recovery work.
This is where girl D. fucks the whole thing up, and on top of it girl C., I get a call from girl D. Girl D. is a friend of mine that was visiting from Atlanta. She wanted to go for drinks that night, so I decided to skip calling girl C. We went to a couple of different bars first. And everything was going great. I did not see A., B. or C. so that was good. And I thought I might even get something out of girl D. We usually mess around a little when she is in town. We decide to go to a sports bar that I rarely frequent later on. Sure enough who do I see sitting in the first booth as we walk through the door, girl C. That sucked! On top of it, girl D. is better looking then girl C. Girl C. pretended not to see me, but I know she did, so much for calling her now. Well to make a long story short, girl D. got piss drunk, and made me take her back to her sisters' house, so I did not even get an attempt at it this time. So I ended the weekend like I always do with girl M. Maybe I should see a therapist about my problems? Fuck that! GirlsSuck!
Fat Midget
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
WINGS WIN...WINGS WIN!
6/15/02 Fat Mouse
|
I just wanted to take this moment to give some props to my beloved Detrit Red Wings, who brought Lord Stanley's Cup back home where it belongs last night. Here's my take on the series agsinst the Huri/Whalers: WINGS WIN...WINGS WIN! I'm not much on long speeches so I'll make it short. I hope Scotty doesn't retire; he should go for ten. Stevie should stick around, so should Luc, Chelios, and Hasek. A lot of people think that money bought this cup. BULLSHIT! Pride won the cup. Detroit is Hockeytown. Hockeytown is Detroit, not some Carolina backwoods hillbilly truckstop. The Cup is where it belongs and I am happy (and hung over). Thank you for your time.
If any of you are interested in purchasing a CRAZYASS13.COM t-shirt, drop the man a line. If there are enough takers, who knows, maybe you can squeeze some product out of CRAZYASS' tight, well, ass.
One more thing, Zefron is dead, long live Fat Mouse.
|
| Fat Mouse |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reaching for the Random...why I love public restrooms.
6/10/02
|
I have been thinking of writing a feature on public restrooms for some time now.? I've seen and heard so many funny things over the years that I figured it was my duty to share them with someone.? What better way to do that than to take advantage of the massive outreach tool?known as crazyass13.com.? If you can think of a better way, let me know.? And given the fact that most men do their best thinking while trying to pinch a loaf, chances are you'll never look at the public restroom in the same light ever again.? Mission accomplished.
In my opinion, the public restroom is not to be feared, nor is it to be respected.? If you piss on the rim, who cares?? If you plug the bitch, who's gonna find out it was you?? The answer to both of these questions is a rhetorical "nobody".? That's the beauty.? I don't want to stink up my own house, so whenever possible, I'll shit in a public restroom rather than save it for home.? However, this angle isn't without it's drawbacks.? The lack of good reading material is sometimes depressing, and then there is always the concern over cleanliness, or lackthereof.? The public shitter where I make most of my deposits is fairly clean.? I do know that they don't do a very thorough job though.? A few weeks ago, I was sitting there doing my thing and I was picking my nose.? A huge booger emerged, so I flicked it on the back of the stall door.??To make a long story short...the booger is still there, and it's crusty as hell, which tells me one thing:?all the janitors do is make a quick sweep of the area, cleaning up any toilet paper, and then they probably check the bowl for shit streaks, and then they?get the hell out of there.? Not that I blame them.
What really makes the public restroom unique is the things you see and the people you meet.? I remember several years ago I was in Minneapolis visiting family and I attended a University of Minnesota?Gophers hockey game.? After the game, I file into the bathroom with everyone else in the place and slowly make my way toward the giant trough pisser.? For those of you that?don't know what I'm talking about, the?trough?pisser is a big long?urinal that runs the length of the wall and has no partitions to separate one pisser from another.? This works great for sports stadiums and gatherings where turnover is more important than modesty.??When I finally work my way up to the trough, I notice that there is a slightly retarded fellow about 4 people to the left of me who is making a bit of a commotion.? He's rambling about?one of the players who had a goofy name, and to be honest, he was kind of funny.? So, I'm looking down towards him and I notice a gleam in his eye as?he spots a?ball of wadded up chewing?gum in the trough.? He starts peeing on it and this causes it to start rolling down the trough in my direction.? He must have really slammed the liquids during the game,?cause he kept a nice solid stream pushing that gum down my way.? As it got farther away, he leaned over as far as he could and continued to piss on the gum.? The guy next to him was clearly amused, yet nervous.? By the time he ran out of juice, the gum wad was almost in front of me, a good 3 feet from where it had started.? I couldn't believe what I had just seen.? The guy had no shame, then again, he was retarded.
I have a cousin who is about as crazy as they come.? He's a level-headed guy, but he's done some crazy shit in his day, including the following, which also took place at a hockey game.? I wasn't there, but the story goes as follows:? He's at the game with friends, and he is squeezing off fart after fart trying to bum out the people sitting around him.? In my circle of friends, this sort of behavior is known as "passing out the brown helmet"; the idea being that you fart near somebody and cause them to unknowingly wallow in the stench.? When they eventually smell it and realize that they are "wearing the brown helmet", they usually get pissed.? So he's passing out brown helmets all over the place and it starts to catch up with him and he shits himself.? It's not a full blown pants ruiner, but it's still enough to cause severe discomfort.? He gets up to go to the bathroom, all-the-while pondering a solution to the problem.? He figures that removing the underwear will likely result in him getting shit on his legs, which isn't an acceptable option.? Ultimately, he decides to cut the underwear off with a Swiss army knife that he has in his pocket.? He does so, and throws the soiled whites into the toilet, wipes, flushes, and leaves.? After the game, he returns to the same bathroom only to find about an inch of water on the floor and his soiled undies floating in the middle of the pool of water that was likely caused by him attempting to flush underwear down the toilet.? Shit.? To this day, he loves telling that story.? If that shit happened to me, I'd keep my trap shut, but he thinks it hilarious.? I guess he's right.
I have an old friend (Joe) who seems to think that the definition of "Public Restroom" is basically wherever he decides to let it loose.? Back when we were young, he shat his way into Powell Middle School lore with an act so offensive that he got kicked off the basketball team.? He was in wood shop class and he asked the teacher if he could take a potty break.? For whatever reason, the teacher rejected his request, which angered Joe.? Joe goes back to the room where you paint your projects after you finish them and drops a load in the rinsing sink.? After doing the dastardly deed, he realizes that a shit log in the sink may incriminate him since he just asked to go to the bathroom.? So he did what any savvy woodworker would do...he grabbed a wooden dowel and attempted to push the shit down the drain.? As you have already figured, he was caught in the act.? Then, a few weeks ago, I'm out with Joe watching the Avalanche hockey game.? After the game, we go to a pool hall to drink more and play pool.? Instead of trying to find the bathroom, Joe simply finds a place where nobody is likely to see him, and pisses on the floor.? No shit, he just pisses on the floor right there in a public place.? He didn't get caught this time.? A weird habit, indeed, but I've got to admire his bravado.? It's his drug.
?
Cheers,
Mr. Pickles
|
| MrPickles | |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Germans Love CrazyAss13
6/6/02 CrazyAss13
|
 What up folks? I meant to get a big update in tonight and do a bunch of crap with the site but I had other stuff to do. The other stuff being watching the Red Wings kick ass and catching the White Stripes perform on the MTV movie awards. The White Stripes sounded good. They still don't seem like they're big enough to be performing at an event like that but maybe that's the push they needed. All I know is I'm going to see them live in July and I'm a bit excited. It's even a 21 and over show so I shouldn't have to put up with a lot of kids.
I Like Mike
I just can't get enough of that KRAZY Mike Tyson! If he's not bitting your ear off he's raping your mom or trying to breaking your arm in the ring. This guys a real livewire! Mark my words, Iron Mike will be champ again. Not that he's that good anymore, Lewis is that bad. This is Mikes last chance and I think he's going to come through big. So don't be a dike, bet on Mike!
Site Stuff Or Stuff Only I Care About
TheCrazyAss13 has been getting mad traffic these past few weeks and I'm not really sure why. I haven't been linked by any big sites but the hit count just seem to be growing every day. I guess taking a month off didn't hurt me much at all. I have linked a few new sites, but nothing that's been sending me mad traffic. I blame the Germans and the fact that I'm a whore.
Wacky Links
Check the dwarf talent agency Willow Management run by Warwick Davis, the dwarf who played the main Ewok in Return of the Jedi and Willow. Lets not forget the little ladies too.
Peaches Rock!
Double Trouble?
Plugging You
IWANG | AjayOnline | Sinnocence | Nethitters | Funky Shit
Go check out my new link buddy The Webshite. It's pee pee your pants funny!
Another site I can't read linked me.
Good Day
Have a good weekend you crazy fools, I know I will. If all goes as planed when I next talk to you the Wings will be up a game and Mike Tyson will be the champ again. Later awesome dudes.
|
| CrazyAss13 | | AIM |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I Am The Lame King
6/3/02 CrazyAss13
|
Congratulations
Just wanted to congratulate CrazyAss13 contributor The Fat Midget on the great opening of his art show last Friday. You can check out some of his art in the CrazyAss13 What Is Art.
Wacky Links
I didn't even know the Dutch had the interweb until I started to get referrals from this article. If anyone knows Dutch or how to translate please drop me a line.
I really like this Nudes Without Dignity series.
Plugging You
Funky Shit | Poosah | Rex Magazine | Loaded Again | CrazyFuckedUpShit
More Crazy Stuff
Ever notice that, "go hang a salami" is "I'm a lasagna hog" back words.
Check back for a less lame post early this week.
|
| CrazyAss13 | | AIM |
|
|
|
|
|
?2002 CrazyAss13 so don't steal my junk.
|
|
|
