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Join Zefron Flemister's Fantasy Baseball League!
3/13/02 CrazyAss13
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 Sup Fags? I put a link on the top of the page to Zefron's Fantasy Baseball league and one of two things happened. 1) Everyone that reads this site is a big pussy that doesn't watch sports or play fantasy sports. OR 2) No one noticed it. I hoping it's number 2 so I'm going to tell you about it on the main page.
If your not some Jerkass and you watch baseball you should join this Fantasy Baseball League. Zefron and myself are going to be playing so I really doubt if any of you turd faces will win but you can try. Small World baseball is great fun and it beats the hell out of watching the same episodes of the Golden Girls over and over again. Trust me been there done that and if it wasn't funny the first time it's not going to be any funnier the second and third time. So instead of wasting all you time watching the Golden Girls join this Fantasy Baseball league.
The link:
http://fantasygames.sportingnews.com/baseball/season1/fantasy/login.html
Register and chose user created division.
Division: Go Blue
(make sure to capitalize the G & B)
No password.
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So I watch the Celebrity Boxing on Fox tonight and now I'm feeling all retarded because I must have lost like 60 points off my IQ. It totally lived up to the ugly, sloppy, clusterfuck, I thought it would be. I actually felt kind of bad for Barry Williams, who was the only person on this card that I didn't totally fucking despise, because he got his ass whooped by that ugly red headed bastard of a step child Danny Bonaduce. If anyone deserves a good ass kicking it's Danny Bonaduce for his work on The Other Half alone.
Paula Jones spent most of her match against Tonya Harding running like the bitch she is. She's lucky Tonya Harding only gave her one good punch to the back of the head at the end of the match because she had plenty of opportunities to do it before then. I think Paula Jones forgot her secret weapon, her massive camel toe. That makes me sick.
I'm heading to New Orleans till Sunday, so no updates till I get back. For all you folks that read this site at work, which I can't imagine is a good idea, all I got to say is SUCK IT! Next time I talk to you I'll have madcap tails of debauchery fueled by massive amounts of Wild Turkey for you. While I'm gone I'm sure these sites will keep you in check, Big Dark Cloud & Perfect Echo. If you fuck up these guys will make you pee blood. No shit.
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Where All The Girls Are Sluts And All The Guys Are Whores!
3/12/02 Fagatron2093
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 I'm not sure why, but sometimes I like to pretend that I dont like television while in the company of others. People will talk about this show and that show, and Ill take on a real haughty attitude and start acting like TV is beneath me. Why I partake in such deceptive activity is mystery to me, just like Im sure its a mystery to CrazyAss why he continues his charade of heterosexuality. I mean, cmon, his name is CrazyAss. If thats not a subliminal message, then Im a gay robot from the future.
The time for pretending is over! Its time for me to admit my love for the picture box. Specifically, my obsession with dating shows that involve being followed around by a camera. The whole concept of being taped during what should be an uncomfortable event a blind date mystifies me enough. How most people react to this situation turning into lapdog whores that will do anything for attention doubles this feeling of alienation. I wanted to talk about which of these shows was the best, but then realized that all of them make me feel like throwing up. So, instead Im ranking them on the Puketer Scale.
Whats the Puketer Scale? Why, a variation on the Shicter Scale. Whats the Shicter Scale? Why, a variation on the Richter Scale. You see, just as the Richter Scale measures the intensity of an earthquake, so does the Shicter Scale measure how bad you have to take a shit, and therefore the Puketer Scale measures how much something makes you want to barf. Just like the Richter Scale, each increase of 1 equals a doubling of intensity. So, a 1 on both the Shicter and Puketer Scales means you feel something, but nothing major. A 5 means you know you have to poop or puke. A 9 means ejection is imminent. 10 means you are shitting or throwing up. However, both scales go beyond 10 to account for embarrassment. Say you shit your pants in a public place and people notice. Thats an 11. If the people that notice make yell out to everyone that you shit your pants, possibly a 12. When George Bush senior threw up in China in front of cameras&ah, Id call it a 10.5 since it was really more of a spit up than a true gastronomic regurgitation.
Now, some of you may be asking things such as, Why Shicter and not Shitter? or If the Richter Scale was named after the dude, shouldnt these be the Fagatron Scales? Fuck off and make your own measurement! But make sure they have nothing to do with shitting or puking, for those are copyright 2002 by Fagatron 2093, bitch!
Where was I? Oh yes, the dating shows in order of ascending measurements on the Puketer Scale&
Shipmates
A former workmate of mine turned me onto this show when I was talking to him about the plethora of dating shows. The premise alone of Shipmates almost made me hork put two people that have never met before together on a ship for three days with no escape. Alas, Shipmates is the least puke worthy of these shows (if whether thats a good thing or a bad thing, even I am unsure).
The daters are generally in their late 20s to early 30s, and therefore more prone to being realistic and much less likely to be total fucking retards. Also, theyre basically on a vacation so they want to have a good time. But Shipmates real key to regurgitation reservations is the host: Chris Hardwick.
You may remember his work a years old MTV dating show, Singled Out (or perhaps another very short-lived MTV show). Some might say Singled Out was a Jenny McCarthy or Carmen Electra vehicle, but I say it was always a Chris Hardwick vehicle. His smarmy tone and Oh my God, what hellish form of television torture have I landed my on attitude has successfully been carried over to Shipmates. Chris Hardwick (not to be confused with this Chris Hardwick) perfectly encapsulates what youre feeling. Essentially, hes puking off camera so you dont have to!
Shipmates Puketer Scale rating: 1
Blind Date
Props to this show for being around the longest, and for thinking up the Pop Up Video style announcements that make fun of the daters. Hell, its even got an end segment that shows some of the stupidest things people on the show have ever done. Good stuff.
Its this brilliance, however, that makes it rank lower on the Puketer Scale. Although the guest most certainly try to ham it up for the camera and end up embarrassing themselves, the crew perfectly captures uncomfortable moments, and every episode winds up with everyone in a swimsuit, whenever you think you might barf, you laugh because the onscreen comments are saying exactly what needs to be said.
Thank God this show had Roger Lodge, otherwise it might not even cause a gastronomical tremble. Just looking at that guy and hearing his voice makes me want to puke.
Blind Date Puketer Scale rating: 3
DisMissed
Formerly my favorite show on MTV until The Osbournes debuted, DisMissed has everything that a person hoping to lose their lunch looks for. Its got not 1, not 2, but 3 younger daters that all think theyll somehow be perceived as a better prospect by the person in charge by debasing themselves and giving into competitive 20-minute dry hump sessions (a good beginning to a great future, I always say). Add to this the fact that everyone thinks theyre sooo totally cool and hot (because why else would they be on MTV if they werent?), and the classic find conflict in everything even if we have to create it ourselves MTV mentality, and you just might be gagging already.
Want to really chuck it up? Think about this: two people are doing whatever it takes to win. What do they win? A fucker that made fools of them. Thats it. You dont even get more date because its over when the shows over. I mean, on Shipmates you get a cruise. On Blind Date its just one on one. This&this is fucked up, and really buries the point that, if I may quote my favorite line ever spoken on television, kids are stupid.
The best part of this whole debacle is, of course, when somebody loses. They should be happy they dont have to act like a jackass anymore, but instead they become defensive and venomous. They attempt to act like they never wanted to be seen with their date in the first place (when only 5 minutes ago their crotch rubbings were being about as mysterious as flat out saying, fuck me), and all of a sudden get a superiority complex.
Damn, just writing about this show is going to make me puke, so Ill stop before I do.
DisMissed Puketer Scale rating: 7
Elimidate
Ladies and gentlemen, get your buckets between your legs for here it is. The show thats the equivalent of being gagged by a spoonful of ipecac Elimidate. Take all the atrocities of DisMissed, and throw in two more people willing to suck cock (literally or figuratively) to win nothing but being last person standing at the closing credits of a humiliation ceremony.
Man, I just watched an episode where all four girls worked at Hooters, and they had to compete in a wet T-shirt contest and discuss with the prize (an LAPD cop; some fucking prize) whether their boobs were real or not. One of these bitches had the audacity to refuse to discuss their tits because it was too personal. You fucking work at Hooters, were in a televised wet T-shirt contest, and just finished having a French kiss contest with a cop and three other skankbags, and NOW things are getting too personal?!
I say not fuck. I say not Jesus Christ. I say in a slow and drawn out fashion&Jesus Fucking Christ! Elimidate exemplifies the beauty that is television.
Elimidate Puketer Scale rating: 8.5
As you may have noticed, no show rated a 10 since Ive never actually thrown up while watching these shows (but Ive been close). If you really want to puke from TV, may I recommend The Other Half?
Fagatron2093
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Reaching for the Random...there is a ninja in my closet.
3/11/02
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 Personally I get really tired of trying to find websites that are worthy of being linked in my posts.? Not that I consider my posts to be high on the literary totem, it's just that it bores the hell out of me sometimes.? So tonight I figured I'd delve into the mystique surrounding the ninja.?
A few months back, when I first moved into my apartment, I noticed that the guy who lived below me had several qualities of what I like to call the "closet ninja".? The closet ninja is not necessarily a rare breed, it's just that we really don't know much about them since they keep to themselves and don't wear your typical ninja suits and carry weapons around and shit.? The reason I know this guy is a ninja is because I happened to spy him practicing his ninja moves out in the lawn late one summer evening.? I don't think he sensed my presence, but I was sitting on my porch enjoying a homebrew and a cigar when I saw a dark figure move in the shadows below.? At first I wasn't sure if he was a ninja or not, although I suspected he might be.? I've seen enough ninja movies to know that most ninjas will throw smoke bombs or create a diversion of some sort before moving from the shadows.? Perhaps that's what makes the closet ninja unique; he's not afraid to be seen in public.? And since he's a closet ninja, nobody knows, right?? Wrong.? I know.? Anyways, he starts moving around and doing air kicks and chops and being all graceful and shit.? Maybe I'd had too much to drink, but it was like those really cool slow-mo scenes in "The Matrix" were unfolding before my very eyes.? I sat there in awe and just watched.? Furthermore, the fact that he is a very quiet man and keeps to himself most of the time only fuels my speculation.? Then, a few days ago I walk by his door and this is what I see.? It's obviously insinuating that he will kick your ass, mad-ninja style, if you attempt to infiltrate his lair.?
Normally, ninjas are quite discreet about their profession and they don't let anybody know they are a ninja.? Similarly, the closet ninja doesn't go around flaunting his ninjahood, but then again he doesn't try to keep anyone from finding out.? Believe me, if he didn't want me to know he was a ninja I would be a rotting corpse with a broken neck.?
The traditional ninja is?normally well versed?in ancestral heritage and ancient lore, while the closet ninja spends much of his young life sneaking in and out of dojos, picking up bits of ninja wisdom here and there.? I guess the main thing that separates a normal ninja (it's not really fair to call them normal) from a closet ninja would be the clothing they wear.? Real ninjas have those really cool two-toed boots, and then usually wear either a black robe, or a one piece ninja suit.? Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that the ninja?WARRIORS wear the ninja suits, and the ninja MASTERS wear the robes.? Obviously, the ninja suit is much more functional for fighting, which is why it is the standard garb of the ninja warrior.? The ninja master, on the other hand, doesn't really need a suit since they just stand around and say stuff like "Go avenge the?brutal murders of our forefathers!", and "You have served your master well!", and shit like that.? Plus, the robe looks more ornate.? But the real dealmaker in all of this would have to be the ninja's mask.? Nothing says "I'm a ninja" more than a good looking ninja mask.? And it is with that statement that this post finally gets to it's climax.? I recall sitting at a friends house in a beer haze one night when a curious man walked in the door.? To this day, I'm not sure if anyone in the room even new who he was, but he left with all of us a nugget of wisdom: he showed us how to make your very own ninja mask.? Now, I'll be the first to admit that I have very limited use for such a decoration. I do, however, own a ninja star that I bought several years ago at the State Fair.? Other than that, there isn't much about me that is ninja-like.? Regardless, I figured that some of you might like to know how to make your own mask.? Perhaps you could use the following knowledge to quench some bizarre fantasy.? That said, I don't know many people that would openly admit to wanting to have sex with a ninja, but you never know.? I bet the ninja reach-a-round would be cool if you were gay.? They would call it a nin-ja-round.? Anyways....first off get yourself a black t-shirt and flip it inside out.? Be sure to rip the tag off.? Nothing looks dumber than a ninja with his tag sticking out.? Place the t-shirt over your head like so.? Pull the sleeves to the back of your head and tie them tight.? Like this.? The next step is crucial.? The ninja must walk a fine line when deciding how much of his face to show.? Obviously, you don't want people to know who you are, but you will still need to be able to see out your mask.? Go to a mirror and adjust the eye hole until it looks perfect.? Then, put a menacing look in your eye and you're all set.?
You'll be the talk of the neighborhood.? All the?kids will be jealous, and you're mom will brag to the other moms that she has a ninja to help her unload groceries(80% of closet ninjas still live with their folks).? Ninjas probably adhere to a strict diet, so be wise about what you eat.? If you want some weapons, you could probably make yourself some numchucks, or take the handle of your mom's mop.? Assorted smoke bombs and maybe some poison rice will help.? It up to you, that's the cool thing about being a closet ninja, you aren't confined to tradition.? Take the weapons if you need 'em, but I prefer to kill with my bare hands.
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-Mr Pickles
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"Some people believe that drinking and driving is wrong. I call those people 'the cops.'" -- Dave Attell
3/07/02 CrazyAss13
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 If your not living under a rock you probably read about or saw The Osbournes on MTV last Tuesday. Being the big fag that I am I watched the Real World and then I caught the new Ozzy show and I have to say it was pretty fucking funny. It's refreshing to hear parents tell their children to shut the fuck up. I wish more parents did that. Rumor is that Ozzy has another daughter that lives in the house with them but refused to take part in the show and any footage with her in it will immediately end up on the editing room floor. I guess she doesn't want the world to know she's the daughter of the Lord of Evil? Some people huh.
Below is just some random shit I've came across this week.
The photo on the right is by RICHARD AVEDON. Real nice work, look him up.
Not quite Avedon but I think we can agree that any artist that calls one of his paintings shit monster is a freaking brilliant. Maybe brilliant is the wrong word but at lest he's got a since of humor.
I really enjoy this Japanese Barber Shop cam. Just sit back and watch, it's very relaxing. I think I understand now why people in old movies and TV shows are always just hanging out at the local Barber Shop. Seems like a good deal to me. I found this on Uberland by the way, which a very cool site.
This is like grade school stuff but I found these alternative lyrics to 7th Heaven on some newsgroup and they made me feel all warm inside.
7th Heaven
Yeah, they're all going to hell
Where mother's sewing socks that smell
7th heaven
They're the perfect family
Matt's tripping out on LSD
7th heaven
They live in a world
Where everyone's beautiful and white
But Simon's on-line
With a pedophile tonight
7th heaven
David Cross is awesome. The interview with him on this site is pretty interesting. He talks a little about a new movie with Janeane Garofalo in it called "THE LATIN FROM MANHATTAN." I guess Janeane stars in it as one-time porn queen Vanessa Del Rio. Seems like a strange fit to me. I can't imagine Janine playing Vanessa Del Rio.
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FREE Trade Agreement.
3/04/02 The Fat Midget
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The other day I decide to go to one of my many favorite shit-hole fast food joints to pick up one of those Thousand Island dressing double burgers(special sauce-my ass). Well before I know it, this dreadlock wearing, nosepierced, baggy pants, ass hanging out, white trailer trash, truck driverchain wallet, threat to the national average of intelligent people, teenagerattempts to take my order in between picking his nose, pulling up his Unco jeans and playing with the barbell in his tongue. Not only is he slower then fuck, his unbridled rudeness pales in comparison to the 6 or 7 whiteheads on his forehead slowly molding together to form one volcanic mass. As my frustration grows, a shift manager notices that I am about ready to choke the shit out of this pile of goat dung and rushes over to lend a hand. Not only does Chavez, the 16 year old 120lb Mexican shift manager, fill my order in less than 30 seconds, he also takes the orders of three other people in line, drops five baskets of fries and squirts mustard on 16 hamburgers, all with a smile.
The moral of this story. Well for a long time it has bothered me that we were letting so many of our Southern friends into the country, but after seeing this display of McDedication I've come to the conclusion that the United States INS should consider. Instead of deporting hard working illegal aliens, we should cut them a deal. If they can find some lazy-ass, welfare recipient who is more concerned about where his next bag of bud is coming from instead of his next job offer. They should be able to switch identities and send them to Mexico instead. I see it as another great FREE trade agreement.
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Reaching for the Random...Ineptitude and the hole in your tooth.
3/3/02
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Well, as the Mormons might say, "Can I have a minute of your time to tell you some good news?"? A resounding no, and a punch in the face.? Please don't, for I am the bearer of news both strange and encouraging.
It seems that in these times of uncertainty that even the certain is bound to become uncertain.? In years past, I could count on at least?1 cavity per year, but now I'm not so sure.? And it seems that our valiant President?has yet again?succomed to his own ineptitude as a "politician".? To be honest, I find this latest episode to be a reaffirmation of my faith in him.? After all, it's about time we have someone in office who has a bit more in common with the?everyday man.? And I find it mildly amusing that his critics say he is no more than a pawn to the people around him, yet these same people hold it over his head when he makes a mistake as if he actually were the President of the United States.? How can you blame him for the bad economy, he just a pawn, remember?? But mixing up "devaluation" with "deflation"?? How is this possible, especially when everything you say is put on paper in front of you?? It's kind of like mixing up "creation" with "cremation".?? Big difference.
The whole concept of a "Touchless Carwash" has always been puzzling to me.? By "touchless", do they mean that you aren't supposed to touch yourself in the carwash?? If so, how the hell?would they enforce it?? Are there carwash marshals watching to be sure you don't touch yourself in the carwash?? In today's job market I highly doubt it.? After all, if public masturbation is your bag, this has got to be a prime location.? 2 minutes in an enclosed area, soap on the windows, the pleasant sound of squirting water...just don't stick your dick out the window(especially in Nebraska).
I was pleased to see the Newgrounds.com was finally back up and running.? Members of the Pickle?militia will no doubt remember the whole?donkey punch thing.? Well, here's your chance to give Britney the 'ol D.P.!? Speaking of Britney...I found this article on Drudge.? I want to meet the guy who made the decision to axe that scene.? Even if he was gay he still wouldn't have an excuse.? Britney + tits = ticket sales?= save a seat for Mr Pickles!? Maybe it'll make the DVD.? I think?the day of a "Britney Bares All" Playboy may be closer than we think.
Rumors have been surfacing that some of you were using my skanky swollen feet picture as a desktop background.? I am both honored and disgusted.? I'll try and find some time to work on a whole desktop theme from my days of being ill, complete with a "swollen guy" mouse cursor.
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Pepper soup?? Sounds good.
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This is funny shit.? It seems Osama Bin Fuckhead was duped into buying some fake radioactive materials.?? He fell for the old "scull and?crossbones" trick.? I'd like to shake the hand of the guy that screwed him.
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Good 'ol Bob Dylan is in negotiations to be in a movie.? Musicians in movies...never really seems to work out too well.? Maybe if he didn't have a speaking part.? My favorite musician in a movie has to be Tom Petty in "The Postman".? That movie rocked!
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Everybody's favorite rockstar is back in the news.? It seems Sammy Hagar is trying to get a new band together that will sound "like a cross between Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, and Tool."? Forgive me for being cynical, but the day that Hagar actually branches out into something other than a bastardized version of Van Halen is the day I cut off my own nutsack.
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Cheers,
Mr Pickles
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Little House On The Prairie Is My Anti-Drug.
3/03/02 CrazyAss13
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 So I pretty much decided to take this week off from updating crazyass13.com. I had a long week and I didn't feel like writing anything or putting up any of the post other people sent me. This week should be better. I've been reading some old school CrazyAss13.com trying to figure out what the fuck I used to write about day to day on this little hell hole of a site. It's fucking crazy to think this site launched on 8/14/01 on a now dead free @home webspace. Anyway I was reading these old post because I been in a bit of a funk. Lately I haven't had shit to write about. Reading the old posts I rediscovered that my posts have all ways been about nothing and I think I've been trying to change that. But we all know change is bad so here some more nothing for you shit stains.
It's official, 7th Heaven is ruing my life. For the second week in a row that shit came on, I got hooked and missed my favorite show, Insomniac with Dave Attell. I was so fucking pissed when 7th Heaven ended and I realized I had just sat through all that shit when one of the few show I really like was on. Fuck! At least they replay it on sunday nights so I'm catching it right now. I've realized thought 7th Heaven is like a water down shitty version of Little House on the Prairie. Little House on the Prairie, that was a good fucking show! They don't make them like that anymore! Sisters going blind, schools burning down, kids dying of gangrene, Walnut Grove continually decimated by the plague or black mountain fever. Don't even get me started on Albert...Albert becomes a morphine addict!? Albert burns down the school for the blind and kills Mary's Baby!? The only redeeming thing he ever did was die... after much cringe-worthy whining. The episode in which Albert became addicted to drugs freaked me out for years.? They actually showed him vomiting on camera!? "I SEE BATS PA! BATS!" Come to think of it Little House on the Prairie was my anti-drug.
Social Reject | IWANG | Big Dark Cloud | Rex Magazine | Perfect Echo
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