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Airbags Are Awesome!
 2/26/02 Fagatron2093
You know what? I like cops. Especially when they say something nice to you like, "I'm putting in the report that it was totally the other guy's fault. And just to drive the point home, I'm giving him a citation for careless driving." Yes sir, Fagatron just got in his first major car wreck.

Yeah, I've had a few accidents in the past, most notably hitting bridge (the thing came right at me!). This one, though, was my first crash with another driver. And, I gotta tell ya, if you've never been in a head on collision, perhaps you should consider it. It's all very exciting.

Let me paint the picture for you. The place: suburb town, USA. The time: 2:30 pm. The reason for me being out: to get a 44 ounce fountain soda. On the stereo: Insane Clown Posse (yes, I too wish it were something more fitting).

As I was driving home at what could be best described a cautious pace, I noted that another car had chosen to ignore the stop sign when it came around the corner. Then I saw that this car took the turn wide and had come into my lane. Then he actually started speeding up. I honked my horn, but it didn't deter his acceleration.

I think everyone that's been driving for a few years knows the feeling. Disbelief followed by anxiety, and then briefest millisecond of sad resignation that your fate is out of your control. Then BAM!

My airbags went off like a shotgun. And I mean that! Those fuckers are loud! So not only are you confused from having your car completely shut down, you have to deal with a ringing in your ears and the acrid, gunpowder smoke from the airbags. It's been over 24 hours since the accident, and I still can't get the smell out of my nose. I get out of my car and see that, of course, I'd been railed by a stupid, fucking teenager.

Not that all teenagers are stupid and are fuckers, but this one was definitely both. To wit, when I asked, "Why'd you take that turn so wide?" He responded, "Those dudes on the corner were staring at me, and I was staring back at them."

See? Everybody knows that when kids give you the stink eye, you immediately stop your car, get out, and see if you can start a fight with them - unless they've got eggs to throw at you. In this case, you give them the no look middle finger. This says to them, "I'm driving, you're not, and with my jet set lifestyle I barely have time to acknowledge that you should indeed fuck off." You don't stare back!

Just when things looked their darkest, stupid teen reminded me of what was really important. I asked why he was going so fast and he told me, "To get some bacon." He then countered with a question of his own: "Why were you out driving?" The soda!

I raced back to my car, and found that during my whiplash-induced delirium, I had carefully set down my soda upright in the passenger seat. Nary a drop had spilt. True tragedy had been averted, for I had a refreshing beverage to sip upon while waiting for officers of the law to arrive.

And arrive they did. All told, six cop cars carrying a total of nine officers came by. All looked at my car, looked at me, and said, "looks bad." To which I always thought, "thanks, Einstein," but instead replied, "yep."

Then the real entertainment began when the kid's parents happened to drive by the scene of the accident. I'd forgotten the proper way to thoroughly chew a teen's ass, but received a fine tutorial while waiting for the tow truck. 1) Try to use as many clich?s as possible like, "Driving is a privilege, not a right," and "What if somebody had gotten hurt?" 2) No matter how bad your child is off from the situation already (in this case, a ticket, a wrecked car, higher insurance rates, and losing a stare down with other kids), you can always make it worse by reiterating the mistakes already made and by stacking on further embarrassments such as monitoring your complete apology to all the officers and citizens who you have inconvenienced.

My next week looks to be one of insurance adjustors and pedestrian lifestyle. Finally, something exciting!
Fagatron2093

Suck It.
 2/20/02 CrazyAss13
It's Thursday night and I'm at home watching another brilliant episode of 7th Heaven so I figure I might as well update my interweb page, during commercial brakes.

So I guess this is kind of old news but how much does a new incinerator cost anyway? I mean, I think I would save up and buy a new one? Wouldn't you? A lot less clutter around that back yard, and it keeps ya outta trouble too. I guess that's just leave headed me though.

The Real World has been boring as all hell so far. These were the highlights of the last show.

Theo calling his dad and asked "Yo Dadz is gayz bad?". That was funny. Chris and his boyfriend eating bananas in bed the morning after. That was some funny shit. I cannot wait for Aneesa to have a girlfriend over so they can eat tuna, or tacos, or better yet fish tacos in bed.

If you check the review section to your right you'll see I reviewed the last White Stripes album and gave it rave reviews. If you have not checked out the White Stripes you should. I'm on their mailing list which is pretty cool because the last email was actually from Jack White. Here is a small tidbit of the email.
"one thing that concerns me however is the dying art of making a chocolate malt. i have to admit it is one of my favourite vices. but it seems that the days of the soda jerk being able to make a proper one in his sleep are long gone. so i will now list all of the known techniques to making a proper malt for anyone who is in a postion to make it for others. the proper chocolate malt is as follows: VANILLA ice cream that's right VANILLA , you do not use chocolate ice cream for a chocolate malt. now if you can get past that very important step you are fifty percent there my friend. next you add chocolate syrup, fresh milk, and finally malt powder, lots of it. because if you don't add lots of it, it tastes like a shake, and that is not what i ordered! you have to have enough to give the malt it's "malt personality" if you will. and most importantly you do not mix it up until it's as watery as milk ( something they don't seem to understand in australia where i purchased three different malts at three different places only to be served something along the lines of chocolate milk, and it seemed they never heard of malt powder) you only mix the malt enough to get it through a straw, there should be a thick muddy feel to the malt, and a second helping should be served in a tin mixing cup along with the original malt in the glass. whip cream doesn't bother me, i can take it or leave it, but it is the dying artform of the malt maker/soda jerk that does bother me, i think we should all be aware of this and help to continue this dying, beutiful, comforting aspect of life, for our children if not for us ourselves." Jack White
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RVD vs. RPG
 2/18/02 Fagatron2093
Just finished watching the WWF No Way Out pay-per-view with some friends, and again I have to ask myself why I paid to view. Wrestling PPVs are like Martin Lawrence movies to me. I know what I'm going to get, I know I'll probably be disappointed, and I know I have to see it. These are my burdens to bear.

Those of you that are consistent readers of my work on this site (which by my calculations would tally to two people: CrazyAss and me), you may havenoticed a trend in my life. I'm unemployed, living in my mom's basement, enjoy comic books, and now have revealed that I am a regular viewer of choreography performed by greased men.

Ah, but friends, these nerdly habits and hobbies pale in comparison to whatI am about to reveal to you. For the sum total of all my other cool dude gaffes cannot equal the one gargantuan stake in my social life's heart.

I play Dungeons & Dragons.

Not on occasion and not here and there do I partake in this penultimate normal world conversation killer. No, I have consistently taken part in a weekly D&D session for over half of my life. But my days of druids, dwarves, and dice are coming to a close I'm afraid.

 You see, this week I will gather around the table with my friends for the last time in the foreseeable future. I am moving far away in a month or so, and the session we're playing now is nearly over after lasting a year. I don't have the heart to begin another campaign that I'll have to leave so early on.

Oh sure, I'll probably seek out a gaming group in the place I relocate to, but it just won't be the same. It's going to be awkward starting up with people I barely know after coming down from a monolith of inside jokes built up over a decade. Also, as I've discovered through playing with strangers at conventions (yes, I actually go to annual nerd festivals), the humor we've developed doesn't exactly jibe with all the politically correct fuckers out there. In fact, some of the things we say and do regularly have almost gotten me kicked out of convention sessions.

 For example, our house rule of rolling up unit size is not well met. This rule was first invented around eight years ago when my character - I believe he was a half-orc illusionist (I know, I know, practically an oxymoron. I'm laughing too, trust me.) - had a bet with another character that my penis was bigger. Unfortunately, there's no clarification in the Player's Handbook on how to determine schlong size. We decided to roll three 6-sided dice (in case you're wondering, there's also 4-, 8-, 10-, 12-, and 20-sided), and add them together. However, since we are playing heroes who presumable have the chance at truly epic cocks, we decided if you roll a 6, you get to add another 6-sided to your unit. The rule stuck, and became a regular part of making a character from then on. Believe it or not, though, it wasn't my explanation of this rule - nor of how to determine if your character's a homosexual, or the fertility chance of rape - that got me into trouble with the "officials" of the convention. It was the fact that for female characters, this roll represented breast size.It just so happened that a female player (an unattractive female player, I might add. Surprised?) was at the table. She argued that unit size for women should represent vagina size. Which, of course, is absolutely ridiculous. I tried to explain this to her by saying, "If your way is correct, then you must have rolled like a 30 because you're a big cunt."The comment didn't go over well. I mean really, how could something like that be funny in the world we live in today? You want funny? Here's funny. On my last day of the temp job I had, a lady dropped a Skittle into the printer while she was waiting by it...and she couldn't find it!What? That's not hilarious? I don't know, all the people she explained the story to, who would then proceed to look into the printer to verify that indeed the Skittle had vanished, were laughing. Shit, everyone found it so funny, this lady could have taken that printer and hit the road, killing 'em in comedy clubs across the US of A, baby!See, these role-playing types are very sensitive. Firstly because of their obesity, and secondly because games like D&D are the only place where they don't have to hear comments like the one I said. They play the games to escape, not to face the harsh reality of their cuntitude.I just don't know if a high-level nerd like myself could risk playing with a group that didn't respect the unit size rule. Ah, as the Japanese say, "Time will tell."

Fagatron2093

Reaching for the Random...a little bit of hate.
 2/17/02

I'm going to post some hate today.? I've been meaning to do?it for a couple of weeks now, but I'm just now getting around to it.? I finally ponied up for cable TV?a while back and some of the shit that I have been seeing has just been pissing me off.? Some of it is?just good for meaningless ponderance, while some of it is a bit more on the serious side.? Although many of these questions are a bit on the rhetorical side, they still beg an answer or, at the very least, a decent explanation.? There's not very many links, so if that's what you were hoping for today, you SOL.

#1 - Why so many bad bands?? This is a question that has no doubt been asked by everyone at some point.? Yet, it remains one of the hardest questions to answer due to the varying listening preferences of the asker.? I'm not even going to attack the boy bands, 'cause we all know that the music is shit.? It goes without saying.? As far as radio?goes, popular music played?over and over will result in advertising revenue.? I understand that.?? Revision:? Why are there so many shitty bands with a number?in their band name?? Think about it.? Blink-182, Sum 41, Matchbox 20, Stroke 9, S Club 7,?and countless others, all pretty much suck ass-hair.? Like I said, I just got cable the other day and eMpTy V just flat pisses me off.? I can't even watch it anymore.? I feel like my I.Q. drops every time I'm on that channel.? In the short time I have watched, I did notice a disturbing trend developing...it's becoming almost a rock clich? to name your band something with a number in it.? Your at some?concert, and some cracked-out lookin' dude walks out on stage with his freshly ironed "rock and roll shirt" (Hey guys, this is the shirt I"m gonna wear?tonight.? Cool, huh?") and says:? "Hey, we're 'PooStain 18',?lets rock this motha-fuckin' place!!" (about the same time everyone starts to flip them off and throw?stuff onstage.? Not panties, batteries.? Batteries hurt.)? Then the?stage lights come up on the other guys in the band, and they kick into their first song.? They're all jumping in unison, looking at each other to make sure that they look cool (just like they practiced), and their wallet chains are swinging, and the crowd is...just standing there.? Can you imagine if these cocknockers had tried to pull this kind of band name shit back in the 70's?? Hell, they'd get their asses kicked after every show.? There would be a big group of hairy bastards waiting outside the stage door to?beat their candy asses and steal their pot.? The costs of security alone would be enough to cripple any tour plans.

Is car insurance fair?? This question has been burning at me for a long time.? How, in a country that is so absorbed with political correctness, can a male pay more than a female for the exact same insurance policy?? Sounds a lot like sexism to me.? Actually, it's the very definition of sexism.? This irritates the shit out of me.? I go into the insurance office and some pencil dick tells me that it costs more for my insurance since I'm a guy.? "Why?", I say.? "Well, statistically, your more likely to?speed or get in an accident because of your age?and because you are a guy."? I fucking hate insurance companies.? And can you imagine if the tables were turned and women (or minorities) were required to pay extra for the same insurance policies?as men?? The streets?would be full of sign-carrying protesters, and rightly so.? Then, I was reading about the insurance ramifications of 09-11, and it blew my mind.? Many insurance companies offered "Terrorism" policies to the owners of Hi-Rise buildings(including WTC).? You've got to figure that the fucker?that wrote the policy had a good hearty laugh after he booked that deal, thinking there wasn't a very good chance that?terrorism would ever?be the cause for a claim.? Well, now that terrorism isn't just something we see in the movies, the insurance companies realize that they may actually have to make good on those policies at some time, now they have decided to cancel that type of coverage.? Well, isn't that typical.? And what about all the premiums they collected over the years?? You're damn right.

Abortion and the?human rights paradox:? Now, regardless of what your stance is on the abortion issue, you've got to consider this.? I was reading about Bush's new policy on extending medical benefits to unborn children to help underprivileged mothers get pre-natal care.? Now, I'll admit that there may be a bit of an extra agenda here, but the thing that really bewildered me was these fucking idiot abortion rights activists who were all pissed that Bush was trying to "humanize" a fetus.? I just can't understand why people will fight like crazy for the "rights of women" and totally overlook the rights of the powerless child inside her stomach.? What the fuck are they thinking?? How can you justify overlooking one life in favor of another?? Who gave you that fucking responsibility?? It isn't a religious issue.? I tell you what, I'm pretty sure that the child would choose to live if given the chance.? "Well, what about the choice of the mother?", they say.? Well, the way I see it, she had sex with someone.? She already made her choice.? Fucking idiots.? It's all about accepting responsibility for what you've done.? In this country, it's always someone else's fault.? If a guy gets a woman pregnant, he can't force her to have an abortion.? But he has no choice when it comes to child support!? Last time I checked, it takes two to make a baby, so why can't the guy have any say in it?? It's half his, right?? And what if?someone murders a pregnant woman?? They will be charged with double homicide.? Why?? Because he took two lives, not just one.? Well, shit, I thought unborn babies were expendable?? And don't tell me that shit about "Well, what if the woman was raped?? Or what if she might have?complications?with birth?"? Those reasons account for less than 5% of abortions.? From now on, it?should be law that if you get an abortion, they should give you a chastity belt for 5 years.? Maybe then people would think twice before they open their legs for some guy and then sacrificing a pregnancy in the name of inconvenience.? And what about these protesters?? Aren't many of them the same fucking people out there fighting for animal rights and protesting globalization and shit?? These people don't want humans making decisions that will affect helpless animals, and poor Mexican farmers, but they don't mind people making decisions that affect?unborn humans?? What planet are these two-faced fucks from?? You don't have to be a genius to see the glaring inconsistency here.? Then again, I've never been faced with that dilemma, and I'm not a woman.? I'm also not afraid to lie in the bed I make.? God forbid we actually start holding people accountable.? I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin....

Oreo cookies and the mysterious "black corners":? The other day I was snackin' on some Oreos at work.? A while later, after conversing with several people in the office, I proceeded to the laboratory to piss out the Dew that I had used to wash down the aforementioned cookies.? To my dismay, I looked in the mirror and saw that the corners of my mouth had remnants of the cookies clearly visible.? Now, having experienced the dreaded "black corners" before, I had attempted to stave of this condition by placing the cookie directly into my mouth instead of nibbling at them.? Somehow, the "black corner" managed to still take hold, making me look like a 2nd grader who had just polished off a whole bag of Oreos during?an episode of "Cow and Chicken" on Nickelodeon.? Now, I can't decide what pisses me off more, the black corners, or the fact that several of my co-workers had passed up on?the opportunity to inform me of?my condition.? I remember a time back when I was working retail at a mall, and while there were no customers in the store,?I grabbed a tissue to blow my nose.?? I gave it a hearty blow and threw the tissue away, figuring that all the snot had gone with it.? An hour later, after helping several customers, I went to the bathroom to take a leak.? Afterwards, I look in the mirror and tell myself "You're a winner, you can do it!", and to my horror, I see a booger about the size of a pencil eraser hanging out on my tie.? Shit.? How many people noticed this?? Why is it that people never say anything?? My answer came in the form of a memory from the 9th grade.? I was in English class, and a girl walked up to the front of the glass to hand in a paper to the teacher.? I'm sure I wasn't the only one that noticed the "red spot" on the ass of her pants.? Nasty.? I couldn't help but laugh, and I remember tapping the shoulder of the guy sitting ahead of me, and telling him to check out the stain.? We both were enjoying a good laugh about the whole thing when I noticed that one of her friends had also spied the spot and was giving me a pretty dirty look for making fun of her friend.? As soon as the girl returned to her chair, her friends notify her of the stain and send her to the bathroom.? When she returns, she gives me a dirty look too.? You know how girls are...they tell all their friends everything, which would account for my sour luck with the ladies during my tenure at PHS.? Moreover, the fact that, to this day, nobody feels obligated to inform me of a potential embarrassing moment may be my penance for making fun of the girl that will forever be remembered as "the spot".
?
Cheers,
Mr Pickles
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Mariah Carey Is Crazy Stupid.
 2/17/02 CrazyAss13
I saw the Mariah Carey Cribs this weekend and it was pure comedy. Damn! Only in America can a white trash, stupid, slut like her become a multi millionaire. Below are a few observations.

She had like 5 wardrobe changes during the segment. A diffrent skan outfit for every floor.

I had to laugh when she said "I usually doesn't wear clothes at home." Ahhh, Mariah, you usually don't when your out either.

I swear to God at one point she takes her dog out of the dryer? I know she's nuts but what the fuck was her dog doing in the dryer? Am I missing something here?

Her kitchen counters had fucking butterfly wings on them. Now that's what I call high class.

She wouldn't show her bedroom because if she did, what is left for her? Does that make any sense? She soooo fucking crazy.

She did the stairmaster in the stilettos. I wonder if that "Meet Virginia" song was about her.

Mariah on dolphins: "I'm just the kind of person that likes dolphins!" Oh, I thought you were the kind of person that gives BJ's to record executives in exchange for boob jobs.

She was very proud that she washes her own clothes and cooks her own meals. I doubt she has many clothes that don't read "dry clean only"? So unless she knows an Ancient Chinese Secret, I doubt she is doing much washing herself.

The only thing they missed was her Unicorn collection. I know she has one! Any chick that likes butterflys and dolphins just fucking loves unicorns. It's a fact!
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