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Pulling A Crazy Ass 2/12/02 Fagatron2093
You'd think that due to my newfound and well-deserved unemployment, I'd have an ungodly amount of words to share with you in this crawlspace of a website, but not so. Actually, I did have something I wanted to write, but Crazy Ass fucked me (not literally, yet he continues to have torrid dreams regarding that exact subject) by being such a baby. I had a master article plan, but then I got a phone call that sounded like this: "Whaa! I can't drive two hours to meet you because of these blizzard conditions and because I nearly went off the road and because I want to live. Whaa!" So, to fill space and time (lord knows, I got 'em both) I have instead decided to pull a Crazy Ass on y'all in this space by just showing some pics and links. However, if you'll look over to the sidebar you'll note the Reviews section has beefed up a bit. I hope my Reviews will serve as an inspiration to every little Fagawannabe out there. Writing these things is so easy, even a person that masturbates by using Voltron as a dildo twelve times a day can find the time. You should try it. Now, on with some suitably useless crap. Found this chalkboard above a urinal at a bar. Just as I was about to write something clever upon it, I realized that graffiti perfection had been achieved. For some reason, this reminds me of buttfucking. And you thought your girlfriend was totally cool! You'd think if they wanted to scare you straight from doing drive offs, they'd have picked a tougher looking cop for the picture.

Kids, R. Kelly, and GW are Stupid. 2/10/02 CrazyAss13
I went and saw the local hockey team play this Friday and I had the displeasure of sitting behind a few out of control kids. The following is just an example of some of the stupid shit I heard. Stupid Kid 1 : Do you know what to do if you get in a fight with a skeleton. Stupid Kid 2 : No. Stupid Kid 1 : All you have to do is punch him and he will just fall apart. CrazyAss13 : If you got in a fight with a skeleton he would kill you both and cut off your tiny penises and wear them as earrings and I would laugh. HAW HAW HAW! Stupid Kid 1 & 2 : Boo Hoo Boo Hoo Kids are so fucking stupid but not as stupid as R. Kelly. "Allegations of sex with underage girls have dogged Kelly throughout his career, including his brief marriage to his then-15-year-old protege, Aaliyah, who died in a plane crash in August. In the most recent tape, the underage girl refers to Kelly as "Daddy" while they have sex. The sex acts include intercourse, fellatio and urination." I hope to god it was her peeing on R. Kelly and not the other way around. Check out the story here. I think old President Bush takes the retard cake though. Check out the shit New York Times reporter Frank Bruni, who was assigned to cover Bush during the 2000 presidential campaign and the first eight months of Bush's presidency, found out about him. "Bush viewed the musical "Cats" as modern theater at its finest, Bruni writes, and openly admitted that martial artist Chuck Norris was his favorite film actor. The candidate had never heard of actor Leonardo DiCaprio or television newscaster Stone Phillips despite the enormous nationwide exposure of both. When reporters on the campaign trail used words like "vegan" or "yenta," Bush had no idea what they were talking about." Bush bragged to sushi-eating reporters about how good his peanut butter sandwiches were. His snacks of choice on the campaign trail were Fritos and Cheez Doodles. Bush knew the "Austin Powers" movies inside out and often lifted his pinkie to the corner of his mouth to mimic the Dr. Evil character in the Powers flicks." I can't fucking belive our Presidents favorite actor is fucking Chuck Norris! How much do you want to bet that this is his favorite Chuck Noris film. I'm also willing to bet Carrot Top really cracks him up. "He's too much!" says President Bush while choking on a Chezz Doodle. Fuck. Check the story here. Big Dark Cloud \| Perfect Echo \| Skrog \| Chicken Legs \| Nethitters
CrazyAss13 \| \| AIM

Your Digital Cell Phones Can Suck My Analog Junk. 2/7/02 CrazyAss13
Why can't they make a cell phone ring that sounds like a phone rings, like a real phone rings? I fucking sick of all these custom cell phone rings. I don't want to hear your fucking phone play the Simpsons opening theme song ever. Having a custom cell phone ring doesn't make you an individual, it makes you an annoying retard fucker. I found a few gems on the Popbitch message board today. "The Wu-Tang's RZA is taking a health supplement that could turn him blue. Since Sept. 11, RZA has been ingesting colloidal silver, a supplement used as a defense against anthrax. The FDA warns the stuff may cause "a permanent ashen-gray or blue discoloration of skin." Then again, that might look quite cool." AND "Everyone's been laughing so much at Winona Ryder's shoplifting bust that they've failed to notice that she was also found in possession of Oxycodone. Oxycodone is a bit like codeine, but six times stronger. It can be snorted, injected or eaten and induces opiate-like effects and "striking euphoria" (such as "Weeeee, I'm so happy that I could shoplift...") The drug's popularity in places like Appalachia has led to its nickname "hillbilly heroin". Unfortunately, it does tend to kill the hillbillies: in Virgina the perscription drug death rate has increased 90% since the Oxycodone's introduction. Still, good to see that Winona is following the Don Simpson prescription drugs route. Gak and smack are so very dull, aren't they?" My least favorite band FUCKING Phish is going to be on the Simpsons. I though those bastards broke up, anyway, in the episode ("Weekend at Bernsie's"), Homer enjoys the benefits of medical marijuana until it's legality is threatened by a referendum. In one scene, Phish plays a rally for the cause. It's scheduled to air April 7. Sounds funny but Fuck Phish. "My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes." -Ronald Reagan. Check out some of Reagan's other quotes about those damn pinkos. This guy doesn't want you to visit his site.
CrazyAss13 \| \| AIM

You Fat, You Fat 2/5/02 Fagatron2093
When next we meet, compadres, I will again be happily unemployed. Although I appreciate the cash influx my temp job has provided me, I'm afraid the potential for permanent damage to my psyche is becoming too great. You see, when I first arrived at the job, I was replacing a person on medical leave, and things had fallen a bit behind. Feverishly I keyed in at superhuman speeds to hopefully catch up. Well, I caught up. Then I got ahead. Now I'm so far ahead I've actually been asked to slow down and take more breaks. I don't mean to brag (blow my horn? I wish!), but my supervisor has told me that not only am I a "godsend," he has called me, "the best temp they've ever had." High praise indeed considering the competition is composed of a bunch of retards...literally! Two chairs away from me (close enough for me to stare intently, but far enough away that I don't catch wind of that distinct retard smell) sits a 300-pound retard that stuffs envelopes all day. The fucker's terrible at it, too. It takes him like two minutes per envelope! (Interesting curiosity about the retard: I was sitting on the toilet one day - not pooping, just chilling out to aid in decelerating my work pace - when I noted the retard's distinctive shoes (ugly-ass black and red Nike Airs) enter the next stall. With the toes always pointing toward the toilet, I heard him unzip his pants, then a sound like a thick, massive glob of spit hitting the water. After this, he flushed and left. I would have guessed the retard had a catheter and was emptying his bottle, but what hit the water was too viscous to be urine. It's a mystery.) All this idle time combined with my corporate cubicle surrounding and close proximity to a hefty dimwit has rekindled in me a focused aggression I thought I had lost. It's a revulsion that for the last few years I thought I had grown out of. Now it has returned at a more passionate level than ever. I fucking HATE fat people. Perhaps it was because I had been reasonably distant from them for so long that I lost my abhoration. Currently, though, I reside on the corner of Blubber and Cottage Cheese Ass. My seat at the temp job is right next to the printer, a device that everyone eventually visits throughout the day. This makes it the perfect place to put cakes, cookies, pies, and candy for everyone to have. At first I thought these treats were for birthdays and the like within the office. After five such days in a row, however, I became suspicious. So people eat some sugary foods. What's the harm? I agree with you totally. I have a nibble of the sweet stuff here and there myself. It's not that they eat it that bothers me, it's that they act like they just cannot figure out why they don't have ankles anymore. Here's an actual conversation that I heard (I wear headphones without any music playing so I can listen in on what people are blabbering about without having to commit myself to joining in) between two women eating cake next to the printer while waiting for something to come out. "This is so good. I feel guilty." "Yeah, but you have to treat yourself once in a while. Otherwise, what's the point?" "I know. I normally eat totally healthy. So I guess this is my reward." "Me, too. And I never use the elevator. I always use the stairs." Both these bitches weigh in at well over 200 pounds. The one that normally eats totally healthy has a candy dish at her desk that she resupplies daily from a seemingly bottomless chocolate drawer. And the one that never uses the elevator? We work on the second floor. Who the fuck are you trying to fool? Yourselves? If people like this would just admit that they look like gargantuan slugs because they eat too much and exercise too little, we wouldn't have a problem. The person who I feel had the elocutionary equivalent to my feelings of there being no such thing as pleasantly plump appeared a few years back on Rikki Lake. The topic for the day was something like, "I'm Not Ugly Because I'm Fat." Naturally, I had to watch because I was thinking, au contraire: ugly may not always equal fat, but fat always equals ugly. The show was turning out to be a big disappointment. The first half was all these girthy motherfuckers telling triumphant stories of how they changed the world to be a better place for XXXL sizes. Made me want to puke. There was even some author of some it's okay to be a swine book that said, "They say we're overweight? Who defines what the normal weight is?" Uh, doctors? Scales? People that don't have fudge for blood? Anyway, I was about to turn it off when my hero showed up. I believe his name was Dan. He was on the show because not only did he not like the fact that his wife was gaining weight, he openly berated her for it in public, and was threatening to leave her if she didn't drop a few deca-doses of pounds. A man after my own heart! Naturally, the audience booed this guy from the start. Everyone on the stage with him were burning holes through him with the glares they were shooting. And, of course, Rikki had to side with the hefty female (lest she alienate 85% of her audience). However, nothing that anyone said could deter Dan from his holy mission of putting the chub club squarely in its place. "Look at your wife. Isn't she beautiful?" Rikki would ask. "No, she's a fat pig!" He would respond. "You're no catch yourself!" An audience member would pipe in. "I know, but at least I can walk to the refrigerator without getting winded!" Dan would proclaim. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to your wife's self-confidence with your statements?" A panel member would haughtily demand in a faux educated tone. "Yeah, I'm trying to break her down so she'll lose weight like I'm asking." Clearly, the man was a genius; nay, a god. Then as the show was coming to a frustrated close, Dan made his ultimate move - he told off Rikki Lake. "I'm not saying fat people don't have their place," he began. "Look at you, that movie you got your career start in needed a fat person, and you fit the bill. Good for you." Rikki stammered for a response. She spoke of the acting ability and hard work that got her the part. "Sure, yeah, it required that," came back Dan. "But obviously the part called for an overweight woman. If you weren't so fat, you wouldn't have gotten the part, period." Rikki then tried to claim that she wasn't overweight. It was then that Dan handed down the words from on high. The wisdom of the ages. The mantra that would become the philosophy for my life, as it should be for all humankind: "You fat, you fat." Truer words have never been spoken. In the years I've had to reflect on this statement, I believe what Dan (who I like to now refer to as Jesus) was telling us is don't try to deny what you are when it's obvious to all. Don't try to act skinny by wearing half shirts to amusement parks. Nobody wants to see that because you fat, you fat. Don't try to hide all that ice cream in your grocery cart with lettuce and rice cakes. We all know it's in there because you fat, you fat. Don't go to the YMCA weight room, sit on a rowing machine, do the exercise for two minutes, then get up and leave like you just had a big workout. You know you didn't because you fat, you fat.To all the temp retards, and all the cake-eatin' perms, all I ask is that you heed the words of DanJesus. You fat, you fat. Fagatron 2093

Reaching for the Random...boobies. 2/04/02
As most of you have surely noticed, this website needs no help with ostracizing women.? Surely my partners in crime (Fagatron, Crazyass, etc) would agree that one gander at the content and links will reveal that this website definitely caters more towards the nut-scratching segment of web surfers(if you are a girl reading this, and you like to scratch balls, drop me a ).? So, without further ado, and with no chance of an apology, I want to solidify this?websites place in the annals of "stupid guy sites" lore.? To begin, the following content will be based on two hypotheses:? First, young women (18-26) do not know what a mammogram machine looks like(neither do you, probably).? Second, guys who regularly read this site have a problem seeing boobs.? Now, I'm not talking about internet boobs.? Any moron with internet access and half a brain can find pictures of titties on the web.? Big deal.? Internet porn is a waste of time in my opinion.? I'm talking about real boobies.? Now, when I say real, I mean "in the flesh", which conveniently includes "medically enhanced" tits as well.? Basically, I'm encouraging you to get out from behind the computer screen and achieve booby bliss.? Don't piss yourself just yet, it's actually easier than you think.? The first fear you need to overcome is the fear of stealing things.? Unless you are rich, you are going to have to get used to the idea of stealing some of the supplies you need in order to make this dream a reality.? And even if you are rich, you'll need to get comfortable with the idea of stealing the dignity of the women you will later be taking advantage of.? And while we're on this subject, let me just say that(disclaimer) if you lack the self control to "look, don't touch", then stick to internet porn tough guy. Ok, lets get started.? Here is a list of all the supplies you will likely need:? A white van, hospital decals for van, lab coat, video camera (2 if possible), television/VCR combo, blank videotapes, computer, electricity converter that plugs into cigarette lighter, fake medical degree, 2 comfy chairs, miscellaneous hardware and tools, balls of steel, a good lawyer.? Procedure:? Stealing a white van will likely post the biggest challenge.? It needs to be white so that it resembles a medical-type vehicle.? Credibility is very important.? If you can't find a van, well then you are out of luck, and no, your mom's minivan will not work.? Next, you need to gut the inside of it, and be sure that it is as clean as humanly possible, this includes fumigation of any foul odors that may have been left by the previous owner.? Some of the things you find in the back of?a van would probably gag a maggot, so clean that beast up and make it look presentable.? Once the van is ready, you need to steal an overhead projector.? I would recommend your local college campus for this.? Just wheel the thing out of the classroom like you have a purpose, and chances are that nobody will bother you.? Put that thing in the back of your newly acquired van and beat cheeks out of there.? Once your safe, get out the hacksaw and cut the post of the overhead projector as shown here.? Mount one of the video camera's on the top of the post(make it look good, no duct tape, genius), and this will serve as your Mobile Mammogram Unit (MMU).? Mount this badboy to the floor of your van, and put a few comfortable chairs around it(one for you and one for the "patient"), and plug the machine into your electricity converter.? Also, mount the TV/VCR somewhere, link it to the video camera and plug it in as well.? This will serve as your "observation monitor".? When you install the computer, be sure to have it facing away from your patient.? Since they can't see the screen, you can act like your typing stuff, and they won't even know the difference.? Plus, you won't even have to plug it in.? Next, find a secret location for the other video camera, so you can record the whole procedure.? OK, this next step is brutally important.? Go to your local hospital (at night), and find a medical vehicle with some decals on it.? With a razorblade, gently lift the corners and peel them off.? I recommend doing this on a warm night so you don't end up ripping the hell out of the decals.? Plastic seems to peel easier if it's warm.? If you have no choice but to do it on a cold night, bring along a hair dryer.? Once you get the victory, immediately put the decals on your van, toot your horn for good measure and get the hell out of there.? Now, if your really ballsy, just steal a real medical van and you won't have to make your own!? If you manage to do this, all you'll need to do is install the MMU, the video camera and TV monitor, and your set.? Oh yah, be sure to frame your fake medical degree and place it in a highly visible place in the van.??The mere sight of a medical degree has been known to make women remove their clothing.? You are now ready to roll.? Cook up some flyers on your computer.? They will need to say something like this:? "Breast cancer claims the lives of millions of women each year.? Doctors agree that early detection is the key.? Women between the ages of 18 and 26 are reluctant to have a mammogram, but they would if they only knew the truth."? then, put some graphs and stats and stuff in the brochure, along with some medical credentials for yourself, and proceed to your nearest Kinko's.? Get 'em put on nice paper, and scram before they can charge you for them.? Now, if it isn't obvious enough, head to the nearest outlet for women of legal age, such as the mall, or a college campus(Not the same campus you stole the overhead from, and I also recommend staying above age 18.? When you get caught for this, you'll likely be thrown in jail, and the sentence won't be as harsh if the women were all over 18.)? Remember, we're working on the assumption that most younger women have no idea what a real mammogram machine looks like, so turn that overhead projector on and have the ladies place?their naked tits up on the glass.? Enjoy the fruits of your labor, my friend. ? -Cheers!
MrPickles \| \| AIM

Real World Chicago. 2/4/02 CrazyAss13
If your old school CrazyAss13, which most of you are not, you know CrazyAss loves the TV crack that is the Real World. Back in the day when I got like 60 hits a day and was only linked by this guy and this guy, I used to spend tons of time posting about the crazy antics of the Real Word fuckers. I haven't said shit about the new season but, I've been watching and so far it's the worse cast ever. Here's the cast in a nut sack. The Exhibitionist - Aneesa: Hi, I'm Aneesa, my father is black and my mother is Jewish, I'm a lesbian and I like to be naked all the time. My mother raised me to comfortable with my nakedness, so your all going to have to suffer and look at my fat naked body. The Lush - Keri: She's been drinking since she was in preschool! That's right, when all you were fucking around with your Capri Suns she was downing lots and lots of Wild Turkey. She's cool. The Trailer Trash - Tonya: RW casts yet another self-absorbed, drama princess. On the plus side she has a fucked up kidney so we may get to see her pee blood. She doesn't agree with homosexuality. How exactly does that work? "Hi, my name is Chris. I'm gay." "No, you're not." The Slut - Cara: Did 3 guys in one episode, one of them being lead singer from Big Head Tom and the Monsters. She could be a victim of editing or a hose-bag slut. The latter seems most likely. Rumor has it that one of her hook ups does her in an uncomfortable place and I don't mean the back of a volkswagon. The Frat Boy - Kyle: Could it be that the RW casted a white, blonde frat boy that is not a homophobic, misogynistic horn dog that reads at a 3rd grade level? That being said I still don't like the guy. The Token - Theo: Reminds me of the MC Hammer cartoon gone bad. The Gay Artist - Chris: If your going to play the tortured artist card do not wear Abercrombie muscle shirts. Oh you Real World fuckers! God knows why I love to hate you so.
CrazyAss13 \| \| AIM