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Just Some More of My Usual Junk.
 1/31/02 CrazyAss13
I had some shit to write about but that will have to wait till next week. It's wacky links for you tonight.

This band totally shreds! If you go to one of their shows prepair to have your ass rocked! I can tell this all just by looking at all the cool pictures on their site.

Now for a band that doesn't suck, The White Stripes. I just got my hands on a few of their albums and it's the good shit. Check out this video for their new song. Lego animation is so cool.

Fagatron 2093 met FAGATRON 2100.

Satanists are scary looking! More great photo ops from every ones favorite satanic couple.

I found this on Former Child Star Central. "Ex-teen popster Tiffany, 31, will attempt to "jump start" her career by dropping trou (and accompanying top) in the March 2002 edition of Playboy, Star magazine reports. To further freak you out, did you know it's been 15 years since "I Think We're Alone Now" was a hit song? Or that Tif (real name: Tiffany Darwish) is the mother of a 9-year-old boy? Now you do." I wonder if this is an urban legend, seems like I've heard this before.

Once a whore....always a whore, but she's got a great site.

Goat sex can be fun but it can also get you in big trouble mister.
If you haven't read this yet you should. It's been all over the net but it's pretty damn funny! Harvey the mouse must die!

If you girlfriend is a loose whore buy her this.

 Someone sent me this one. polysemy polysemy absence of the absence of

Check out the Olsen Twins UK invasion.

Is this Britney Spears' bra?

 AjayOnline | Social Reject | Sinnocence | Rex Magazine
CrazyAss13 | | AIM

Weddings. Why?
 1/30/02 Fagatron2093
Well, it's finally happened. After a five-year run of paying monthly visits to the chapel, I have attended my last wedding for the foreseeable future. Every single one of my friends is now either married, a leprous monstrosity that couldn't get a date in a red light district, or obviously in for an imminent lifestyle change (Earthquake's pointing at you, CrazyAss). Since it was my last, perhaps it's appropriate that it was the longest ceremony of all the weddings I've been to. You know it's going to be bad when the bride and groom have their own chairs on stage. Luckily, things were spiced up a bit when something happened that I never imagined could - the priest bombed. He claimed it was the 179th wedding he had performed, but somewhere along the way from "We are gathered here..." to "May I introduce for the first time..." this guy got waaaaaay off track. I get the feeling he didn't know the couple that well, so instead of sharing a personal anecdote about them, he tried to give out a general message of joy. He stepped off the podium, walked out between the pews (which scared the shit out of me because I thought he was going to pick an audience member to say something), and started talking about the joys of marriage, then of worldly brotherhood, then September 11th, then how he started to say hello to black people lately because of it, and then it really went downhill. The best part was, you could tell he knew he'd dug himself a hole he couldn't get out of. He struggled to bring it all together in the end of his monologue, but instead just gave up, and went back to the stage to finish the vows as we booed him out of the aisles.That moment of interest lasted all of five minutes. For the other hour and a half, I did what I always do at weddings. I sat there, stared at these two people I knew, and wondered, "Why?" I honestly have no idea why people get married. It can't be for the gifts, because these events cost way more than you get back. It seems stupid to do it simply so your kids won't be bastards because everyone knows kids will be bastards no matter what. Being married doesn't even give tax cuts or drop insurance rates like it used to. So why? I used to ask this every time one of my friends told me for the first time that they were getting hitched. They'd tell me, get that expectant "Go ahead and tell me how happy you are for me" look on their face, then slowly contort their countenance to confusion as they dug through their brains for an answer to my question. The most common response I'd get was something to the effect of, "Well...we've been going out for a few years and we're in love." Love? Give me a fucking break. All weddings prove is that the couple is willing to make out in front of people they know. If these two "soul mates" love each other so very, very much, why do they need a wedding to justify their relationship? Back in the day when getting married was the only way to get some action without incurring the wrath of God, I suppose it made more sense. Now, though, everybody is ramrodding everyone else before the wedding day. And really, doesn't that make more sense? Who wants to be stuck with a lousy lay? Sure, maybe it's making God mad, but what doesn't? The guy's a real nitpicker. What I really think is going on is that everybody is trying to achieve that awesome relationship level portrayed on television. Everyone wants to be a Steven and Elyse Keaton, have an Alex, Mallory, and Jennifer (fuck Andrew!), and live happily in Nick at Nite syndication. Well I got news for ya. In all likelihood you're gonna wind up all One Day At a Time with Schneider, McKenzie Phillips, and Mrs. Van Halen.Take, for example, the first of my friends to get married, who happened to be the best man at this last ceremony. At the reception, I noticed his wife wasn't around so I asked what was up. Turns out they're getting divorced. Thus the cycle begins anew. Too bad divorces don't come with parties afterwards. That I would understand.

 Fagatron 2093

Reaching for the Random...Evil is a four-letter word.
 1/29/02

A quick update on the medical front:? Yours truly, Mr. Pickles, has solidified his position in the annals of "freakish medical lore".? I lost 50 pounds in 4 days.? If that aint freaky stuff, then I'm a monkey's uncle.
?
Anyways, being sick gave me ample time to ponder various subjects of an irrelevant nature.? Frequently, I found myself considering the tennants of today's pop music scene, and their place in history.? Through the past weeks, I found one name in particular which kept surfacing.? Now, when I refer to "pop" music, I'm not talking solely about music that is aimed at bubble gum chomping teens, but rather music that has, through curious circumstances, achieved almost universal acceptance with the bulk of the music buying public.? The name that kept coming back to me again and again was that of Ozzy Osbourne.? Many of you may not consider his music to fall within the confines of pop music, but I would disagree by saying that his music, although subject to the?holdings of the so-called 'Hard Rock' genre, should indeed be considered pop music under the aforementioned terms.? Therein lies the paradox.? How has Ozzy, despite his portrayal of 'an evil guy' garnered acceptance?? That is the very question I intend to answer as I delve into the history as the man known simply as "Ozzy".
?
Like most "rawkers", Ozzy has humble beginnings.? Born December 3, 1948 in a suburb of Birminhamn (Aston), England.? He was the son of a professional tool maker.? His real name was John Michael Osbourne, which really isn't too scary at all.? In school, he was given the nickname of Ozzy by his classmates, many of whom used to kick his skinny ass on a regular basis.? In fact, one of the guys who used to regularly beat up on Oz was none other than Tony Iommi, a man who would later become the guitar player in Black Sabbath.? In his youth, he had many odd jobs before becoming a singer, such as working in a morgue, testing car horns, working in a slaughterhouse, and various other activities, including robbery, that would eventually lead to his devious lifestyles.? Various gigs came and went until Ozzy eventually formed Black Sabbath and started down the road to rock and roll fame.? During this time, Ozzy somehow maintained two distinctly different lifestyles.? As you can see, he was still somewhat of a momma's boy, but at the same time, managed to purvey a general attitude of negativity and dishonor as he involved himself in the assualt of?several helpless animals.??Evil!? During his span with Sabbath, 9 studio albums are released as well as 2 live albums, along with several unnofficial bootlegs.? In 1975, amidst heavy drug and alcohol abuse, Ozzy is kicked out of Sabbath and replaced by Ronny James Dio.? Naturally, this is a low point for Ozzy and Sabbath.? Dio later leaves Sabbath and forms "Dio", which is an incredibly cheesy late 70's/early 80's?meat-head rock band.? Although the music garnered airplay in weight rooms?all across America, it never really caught on with the general public. You might recognize a few of their terrible songs, "Holy Diver", and "Rainbow in the Dark".? They really suck balls.? By now,?it should be evident that Oz was just pure?evil!? No doubt about it.? Devil horns in place, he rocked the world!

Now, the story really starts to get confusing.? As he enters his solo career, a bit of a metamorphasis begins to occur.? I'm not saying he abandoned the whole evil thing, but he definately changed a bit.? All of the sudden, we see a bit of the soft underbelly of the animal-biting madman.? With songs like "Momma, I'm Coming Home", "See You on the Other Side", "Crazy Train", and most recently, the incredibly stupid and sappy "Dreamer", Ozzy reveals his senti-metal self to the public.? Unfortunately, much of his solo work reflects an Ozzy that is in a state of confusion as to where he belongs in the world.? He's not sure if he wants to be evil, or just look evil.? Some scary antics take place during his solo career, and one could argue that the music was even a bit better than his Sabbath days, especially?during the Randy Rhodes (RIP) era.? So, as you can see, a bit of a paradox exists.? Adding even more confusion to the whole thing was a recent post by Crazyass himself in which he displayed some quotes from Ozzy's current axemaster, Zak Wylde.? Wylde was trashing all these musicians that he deemed "whiny mother-fuckers", and "prettyboys", among other insults.? Although, I agree with many of his opinions, I am a bit confused at his present involvement with Ozzy.? Why would Wylde, purveyor of "Weight-lifter rock" want to be involved with an old man that is actually more concerned about the environment than kickin' ass?? One might surmise that Ozzy is simply a pawn that has been used over time by various guitar players for the betterment of their respective careers.? Think about it.? It wouldn't be the first time it happened.? One might say that Dave Grohl(Foo Fighters) has had a more solid influence on the face of music than?any of Nirvana counterparts, including Cobain.? Naturally, the careers of Iommi, Rhodes, and Wylde, while not as popular as Ozzy, in many respects reflect everything that is currently wrong with music.? Perhaps Ozzy is just a wayward junkie on the path to rock immortality, but underneath it all, remains this burning question:? Is he really the evil demi-god of rock, or has he spent his entire career stroking the cocks of various career minded guitar players?? I'm just not sure.
?
Cheers.
MrPickles | | AIM

1/29/02 Zefron Flemister


CrazyAss13 | | AIM

Calling Uncle Ralph.
 1/25/02 CrazyAss13
I was fucking sick this week. I called uncle Ralph a few times. My puking streak is over. So this post covers some of the shit I missed.

I never would have guessed the T stood for Tito. By the way I found this, on this guys forums, and it was posted by this guy.

More wrestling shat. Top Five Moments of the Hall, Nash, and Hogan. In high school I worked at a movie theater and we were lucky enough to get Mr. Nanny at our theater. It came out 2 or 3 weeks before Mrs. Doubtfire, and apparently there was some confusion because we had more then a few people go to Mr. Nanny and come out in the middle of the movie and say "I though this was that movie with Robin Williams in it, can I have my money back?", fucking retards. Shit like that happen all the time. One retard wanted to take her son to Monkey Trouble but went in the wrong theater and end up sitting through about an hour of The Piano before she came out to complained because she didn't think it was a very good film for children.
If you went to this movie this weekend or saw the previews and thought it looked funny you should die. From the creators of Ace Ventura Pet Detective 2, yea that's great. They also made Short Circuit 2, Porky's Revenge, and Police Academy 2 through 7. Pretty fucking cool huh.

Crazy Mike Tyson is up to his usual tomfooleries "I'll fuck you in your ass white boy. You're afraid of a real man. I'll fuck you till you love me." I think that's pretty funny, I'm kicking around the idea of making t-shirts and hats. I bet Tyson was a fun cell mate.

Cheesythighs | Loaded Again | Smokinfrogs | Retnuh
CrazyAss13 | | AIM

A Cubicle to Call My Own
 1/21/02 Fagatron2093
As per usual, I should be doing something better with my life, but I've instead chosen to inflict my rapier wit upon readers of this site. If I knew what was good for me, I'd be in bed right now performing my final jerk off of the day so I might get in a few hours of sleep before having to awake at the ungodly hour of 7 am. Why so early? Bad news, Fagafans, I lost my unemployment case and have had to resort to getting a temp job.

Unlike most temp jobs, however, this one actually isn't too bad. First, I've apparently replaced a crotchety old bag that had to take medical leave. This fact is proven by everyone in the surrounding cubicles telling me this, and the mouse pad I work on.

Second, there's actually a rather heavy level of responsibility to my work. I issue checks for the utility bills of all stores in the Musicland group (Sam Goody, On Cue, and basically any other chain store that charges over $20 for a CD, yet still somehow manages to stay in business thanks to the moronic and lazy spending habits of mallrats). On average, I pay out about $50,000 a day for electricity, water, sewage, garbage, and phones. I've barely been on the job for a week, but already it's become apparent to me how I could easily cost this franchise major payola if I wanted.

The biggest reason I like this job, though, is that I know it's going to be over in two weeks. Nothing makes temp work better than knowing it will be ending soon. I just have to last for ten more days in my cubicle, and then I'll be gone.

 About the only major complaint I have is that twice a day I hear somebody utter the phrase, "We sure have a lot of fun around here." Were that statement to be issued after a mass penis photocopying expedition or during a casual bondage Friday, I would agree. Unfortunately, it seems to be used exclusively after a particularly lame happening. To wit, I once heard it said after someone put in a dozen mailings backwards in the envelopes so the address couldn't be seen through the plastic window. The perpetrator laughed, then announced what he had done, which caused everyone nearby to laugh, and the inevitable "We sure have a lot of fun around here," to be called. Somehow, the high mirth value of this incident eluded me.

Regardless, I am not here to write about office hijinx of Dilbertian caliber. I come to you tonight to discuss an issue that I think we ignore all too often in society. A question, if you will, that needs to be addressed before we, as a worldwide community, get lost in the unfathomable recesses of a problem that was once but a minor fissure in society. The question I pose is, "What the fuck is up with every chick having a totem animal? " I know, I know...to ask such a thing is sexual profiling. Trust me,
I'm usually the one against such a thing. I don't believe in chick flicks, girl talk, or all that males and females can't be friends without sex mumbo jumbo. Hell, I'm from the future, and in my era we got rid of all the dumb bitches so we could get down to some serious butt fucking, so I know a thing or two about women. No, literally, I only know a thing or two.

But of those two things, I firmly believe that all girls worship - either privately or publicly - a specific species of animal. Some animals are more commonly revered than others, but none of earth's creatures seem to be off limits. In fact, you can tell quite a bit about a girl from the animal she chooses as her idol. For example:

Horse: Likes to masturbate with a vibrator.
Dolphin: Likes to masturbate with running water.
Dog: Considers trying that peanut butter on poon trick to assist masturbation.
Cat: Such an insatiable masturbator that she requires a surrogate for off hours.
Hedgehog: Intelligent, witty, likes long walks on the beach and holding hands.
Gecko: Likes to be beaten while masturbating.
Fictional Animal (Unicorn, Pegasus, Jackalope, etc.): Fucked up.

Now, there doesn't seem to be any harmful side effects in collecting animal-related knick knacks, furnishings, apparel, and so on - at least not to the person doing the collecting. The only people who suffer are those that have to look at all this crap and hear about these animals constantly.

Take for example these two ladies I know (let's call them Stinky and Smelly), who have chosen to simply adore cats to death. Now I don't know if they loved cats on their own and it was their common interest in pussy that got them together, or if it's a gestalt relationship where their mild interest in cats when combined grew to annoying levels. All I do know, is that CrazyAss13 chose to go to Vanilla Sky with them instead of How High with me. I'm not saying CrazyAss is gay, I'm just saying he chose to go check out Tom Cruise's naked torso rather than a movie all about smokin' blunts. Really, he's not gay at all. Anyway, in addition to owning two cats, Stinky and Smelly's house is swathed in iconic cat paraphernalia. This, however, is only the tip of the iceberg. Stinky and Smelly also love talking about cats. Which would be just fine if they didn't repeat the same conversations regarding feline adorableness over and over again. Here's a typical conversation between the two that I guarantee you'd hear within ten seconds of a cat walking in the room:

Stinky: [Cat Name], you are so cute!
Smelly: Isn't she cute?
Stinky: Oh look, now she's doing something cute.
Smelly: That makes her double cute!
Stinky: (laughing) Totally. Double cute.

It's a shame, really, because I used to like cats. But these two's overbearing obsession has left me no choice but to hate cats. Luckily, I have the proper background in cat abhoration. As a child living on a farm (a farm in the future, mind you), there wasn't much to do, so I picked up the hobby of taking stray kittens and throwing them in 5-gallon pails of tractor oil. Unbeknownst to me, the cats would later commit suicide by trying to groom themselves.I was only 4-years-old, so my reasons for doing this elude me now, but I think I was amused at how it turned them from light colored to dark. Also, my dad hated all the farm cats and readily encouraged my behavior. Incidentally, constantly getting that oil all over myself caused me to contract impetigo or ringworm or something.But let's not ruin a perfectly good kitty murder story with a sad ending, let's end it with this: If you're a guy, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a girl, you'll try to laugh this fact off but secretly admit it's true. If you're CrazyAss, you'll question your sexuality often and wonder why images of Fagatron keep popping into your masturbation fantasies. If you're a Fagatron, you know Stinky and Smelly are just a breath away from making you return to your feline slaying roots. Gooooood night!

Fagatron 2093

Slayer Still Loves You.
 1/20/02 CrazyAss13
This bitch is crazy! "I also slept on graves and even allowed myself to be buried in a grave to test the feeling. I signed over my soul to Satan two and a half years ago." Flashing the devil horns in court is way cool, I can respect that, and she isn't blaming subliminal messages on metal albums ether, so maybe this chick isn't half bad.

"Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in." Janeane Garofalo

I went and saw Janeane Garofalo this weekend. It was great. She has to be one of the best comics touring right now. I can't believe she's 37. She did a little bit about being the oldest kid at the Weezer show. I hope I'm half that cool when I'm her age.

"A lot people think if you watch the IceCapades your gay, I don't think so. I think if you watching the Icecapades and you say 'SSSHHHHHHH I'm watching the IceCapades!' then your gay." -Dave Attell

If you not watching Insomniac with Dave Attell on Comedy Central your living like a caveman. It's the best new show on tv period. They just finished the first season a the new season starts this week right after South Park. Watch it and laugh.

Poster boy for stupidity.
CrazyAss13 | | AIM

Reaching for the Random...and the end?of the holidays (part 2).
 1/16/02

Ok...where were we?? Oh ya, my stomach was starting to get a bit tight, and I was beginning to think that perhaps the flu had managed to track me down(even though I was speeding).? Once again, that is only half of the story.? However, the good new is that I have managed to place myself in a bit of a minority when it comes to in-laws; I actually really like them too.? Not to say that there aren't a few "drunk uncles" in the mix, but for the most part, I have a pretty cool family all around.?

Being sick at your own house, while not much fun, at least leaves you with a shred of dignity as no one but you and your mate really sees the horror.? But being sick at someone else's house is just not cool.? It's like this:? Have you ever been at someone's house whom you're not 100% comfortable with?? Sure you have.? And while you where there, did you ever have to take a piss?? Well, when that happens to me, it seems like the bathroom is always within easy listening distance of the conversation, and the only thing going through my head while I'm leaking is the fear that everyone can hear what was always intended to be a private activity.? Some day this will happen and someone in the "audience" will have actually been timing me with a stopwatch. ? Worse yet, I have to take a dump and leave huge streaks along the bottom of the toilet around the flush hole.? We've all been there.? You don't dare risk the double-flush 'cause it's a big red flag that something has gone wrong in the b-room.? Anyways, I'm getting off track.? The point is, I am sick at someone else's house, and being a great distance from home(6 hours) makes the?notion of hopping in the car and going home a moot point.? Shortly after arrival, I get the feeling that I'm in for the longest few days of my life.? Everything I tried to eat/drink wound up coming right back out, and unfortunately(as is common with the flu) it sometimes tried to come out of both ends at once.? It's what my Grandma lovingly refers to as the?"2-way flu".? It's bad news.?? You know, I've had the flu before and it ain't really too big of a deal.? You puke for a few days and it's over.? But this time something was different.? My stomach had really bloated up to the point that it was difficult to bend over, and it made simple tasks like tying my shoes somewhat unpleasant.? Figuring it was another symptom of the flu, I wallowed in my pathetic state for several hours and tried to sleep through severe body aches.? By now, I've played the sympathy card enough that some of you might be a bit misty eyed.? But I don't want you to worry to much.? Perhaps fate was smiling upon me that fateful vacation as I had, on a whim, decided to throw the ol' PS2(never leave home without it) in the car with me so that we could watch some DVD's with the fam.? Fortunately for me, I had just procured a fresh copy of Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.? Although horribly disfigured, trying to avoid the "liquid yawn" and having a bad case of what I like to call "hot-bottom"(that feeling where your not quite sure if you shit yourself or just farted), I managed to glean as much excitement from MGS as a sick guy could.? Although I didn't finish it while on vacation, I still managed to stave off the mental effects of the disease they would diagnose me with a week later.

Fast Forward....>>..>>..>>Vacation ends, and the Flu has all but disappeared from my body(now my wife has it).? As I get into the car to go home, I can't help be a little frightened about my swelling.? It's just gotten worse.? When I arrive back home, I immediately call the Doc and demand an appointment.? Easier said then done, but I get in towards the end of the week.? In short, this Doc takes lots of blood(I hate that), and tells me to see a kidney specialist.? The specialist looks at all the tests that have been done and tells me that I'm going to need a "Renal Biopsy" to determine what exactly is causing the swelling.? Now, all of this hits me on the day that I am supposed to watch (with my Dad)the Huskers play for the right to call themselves the best team in College Football.? Having been born in Nebraska, I've always loved to watch the Huskers.? I was well aware of the proclivities in big games, but I was especially anxious this year because, living in Colorado, I had been hearing CU fans bitch and moan about how the Buffs should be playing Miami instead of Nebraska.? Not to beat a dead dog here, but Colorado failed to take care of business in the regular season, and just because they beat Nebraska doesn't mean that you should be ranked ahead of them.? I mean, the Denver Broncos beat the Raiders on the last game of the season but the Broncos are home scratching their nads while the Raiders play for a chance at the Super Bowl.? That's why the season is more than just one game.? Anyway's like I was saying, the Buffs fans were really getting on my nerves, and I figured a Husker victory would shove the proverbial "sock" right were it belonged.? Well, it didn't quite work out like I had hoped (I know, I know).? To make matters worse, I had to watch the game in a hospital bed with a sore back.? My Dad was cool enough to come to the hospital to watch the game with me.? And for those of you wondering what a Renal Biopsy is, pay attention.? First, the lay you on your stomach and do an ultrasound on one of your kidneys to pinpoint the exact location.? Then , (al la Pulp Fiction), they take a big fat magic marker and make a mark where they plan to stick the biopsy "needle".? The reason I put needle in quotes is because it felt more like a wooden dowel going in.? Luckily, they numb your whole back first with a series of painful shots (5 to be exact) which feels like liquid fire being injected into your body.? After that, the pain of the biopsy needle isn't noticeable, but you sure can feel that thing ripping through muscle as they push it all the way into your kidney six separate times to extract samples, hence the sore back a few hours later.

So, I stay in the hospital overnight and a follow-up visit to the specialist(technically referred to as a "Nephrologist") a few days later reveals the diagnosis of "Minimal Change Disease".? MCD is a kidney disease that causes the filters in your kidney to open up and therefore not absorb the usual nutrients from your blood stream.? Instead, the vital stuff (in this case, protein) passes into the urine and into the toilet.? Now, if you've ever seen a National Geographic magazine with a report of a 3rd World Country, you may find yourself wondering why, in the midst of starvation, that the people in the pictures look "fat".? Malnutrition and the absence of protein will cause water retention/swelling.? So now it's all starting to make sense.? Luckily, MCD is usually very receptive to drugs, and I expect to make a full recovery.

So, after gaining 30 pounds, losing my appetite for beer and food, watching the Huskers lose, having a giant needle poked into my kidney, having the flu, and being diagnosed with MCD(did I miss anything), you might see what has caused my general attitude of negativity about this holiday season.? Thank God it's over.? I'm hoping for a jollier new year, and trying to look at this the same way I do everything else.? Sometimes you've just got to try a little harder to find the?positive. I have a feeling this next year will be much better.? I can't wait for April , since my wife and I are expecting an addition to the family.? That's another story for another time.? Anyway's for all you visualites out there, I have added a few picture links below in case you want to?see the horror for yourself.? Look at your own risk.?
Cheers!
Mr. Pickles
?
BACK SWELLING #1
 BACK SWELLING #2 (notice finger imprints)
FAT ANKLES?(notice remnants of green polish.? Don't laugh, it was funny at the time.)
MrPickles | | AIM
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