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Go Hammer!
1/14/02 CrazyAss13
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 Not as good as Buffy's but still damn funny, the Stephen Hawking swearing keyboard.
Damn Gina!
This sounds interesting and it has PJ Harvey on a few of the tracks.
A PowerPoint presentation about a very bad hotel.
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
If you havn't read Fagatrons last post check it out now. Funny shit.
"Holy Shit! First Ten episodes of Mr. Show to be released on DVD!"
"OUT COLD is a shit storm of entertainment that will leave you shitless." Doug Benson
Michael Jackson's nose collapsed or a trick of light?
AjayOnline | Rex Magazine | Sinnocence | Uberland | Ironfront
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Nobody Fucks My Stalker But Me! (And Even I Don't Do That)
1/13/02 Fagatron2093
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 Like getting back together with a lover you hate because you miss the sex, so too have I returned to posting on CrazyAss13. Perhaps youre wondering where Ive been. Well, for Christmas, a friend gave me a Sonicare. For those unfamiliar with this wonderful product, its basically a toothbrush with more vibratory force than a jackhammer. When I first used it, the violent shaking in my mouth nearly caused me to pass out. This, of course, made me ponder its potential uses as a sexual pleasuring device. So, my last few weeks have been spend turning my Sonicare into an Analtear. Heres what Ive come up with thus far:
Exhibit A: Sonicare toothbrush
Exhibit B: Sonicare with special anal stimulator attachment
Exhibit C: Simulation of the pleasure my invention is capable of giving
As an apology (or possibly a more intense form of punishment) for having been away from you my adoring fan(s?) for so long, Im going to tell you the story that Ive been dodging because its just so damn long and detailed. Yes, friends, its time to tell you about the time I had a stalker of my very own.
To begin with, you must know that I once worked at a publication that also had a website. Nothing so prestigious as this fine site, mind you. Anyway, occasionally myself and the people I worked with would have our pictures in print or online, and wed write little personal messages to our readers. Well, one day I received a crude comic about my work environment from a person Ill codename FatsoLoco.
I dont know if any of you have experienced anything similar to this, but when a stranger makes a comic about your life, its pretty god damned flattering. You start thinking foolish thoughts like, Wow, this is REALLY a funny depiction of my life in stick figure form. Is this comic that funny? You be the judge.
Being so thoroughly amused and ego stroked, we all decided to put the comic up on our website. Since it was originally addressed to me, I emailed FatsoLoco to make sure it was okay with her. Soon thereafter, I got a reply that informed me not only was it okay with her, shed get working on another comic right away!
Fine, I thought. Be something to put up on the website other than more pictures of me sticking my dick in yet another strange, possibly caustic, substance. As promised, FatsoLoco did indeed send more comics. In fact, from the file I kept (for the eventual lawsuit and restraining order I knew I would one day need evidence for), it seems FatsoLoco sent us 22 episodes of her stick figure artwork, usually about once per week, and each usually over three pages long.
At this point, Im sure many of you are saying, Fagatron, you may be damn handsome, charming as hell, and to look upon your naked body is the earthly equivalent of experiencing divinity, but this hardly sounds like a stalker. Ah, but this is exactly where it starts to get strange.
About half way into her series, FatsoLoco began sending extra items along with the comics, mostly pictures of herself. Sending photos to a person you dont know is a little weird, but I actually wouldnt have minded if FatsoLoco would have remembered the cardinal rule of personal photographs, which is: If the person looking at the photograph doesnt know you, they wont give a fuck unless a) youre hot, b) youre naked, or c) youre dead.
Choosing to completely ignore this unwritten Kodakian law, FatsoLoco instead chose to inundate me with some of the most inane pictures of herself. In fact, I feel Im a pretty good judge of what makes a dull photo. Once, when CrazyAss13 and I lived in London (but let me stress again, CA13 is no queer&yet), he brought home a garbage bag yes, literally a fucking Hefty garbage bag full of photos that people never picked up from getting developed. We went through all these unclaimed pictures, and I say out of those tens of thousands, there was eight interesting shots, tops. But that sack of boring pics beat the shit out of the stuff sent to me by FatsoLoco.
Dont believe me that FatsoLocos pics were dull? Have a look for yourself at some of the more exciting ones by hitting the quote from the back of the photo. (These quotes are verbatim, by the way, and the misspellings are all her.)
I used to work at a Photoshop&
completely dorky&I know
This is me and my mom at alcatraz with a former inmate! PS Im 21 yrs old was 19 in pic
My Favorite picture of meself!
This is me pist and sik in san Fransico with a letter in my mouth.
Heres me in yosemit. These pictures are 3 or 4 yrs old. Im not such a flower child anymore but I am a little. I still wear bell bottoms and other stuff frequently but not as much&am I blabbinb?
strawbarry margarita! Yeah baby!
Thrilling shit, huh? Yet, Im sure some of you email fuckers find this all quite tame compared to the heart spillings you pour out to really cool people you meet in your goth-only chatrooms. Alright, well heres something youll understand. Heres some quotes from the emails FatsoLoco sent me.
(By the way, she had begun emailing once or twice per day at this point. No big deal? Well, according to her she didnt have a computer or a car, and she had to walk a mile to the local library to email me. Would you walk a mile to email someone? You would? What are you, 13? Get off this site, youre too young. Try nickelodeon.com or something.)
Click Here To Read More
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Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. - Frank Zappa
1/10/02 CrazyAss13
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 What up. I spent most of the night working on part of Fagatrons new article. It's going to be CrazyAss13's magnum opus so look for that in the next few day.
Tonight I thought I'd take a look at some of the crazy shit people searched for to find this site.
"awsome gay sex " Some gay dude was looking for some totally awsome gay sex and he found my site! AWSOME!
"lick yo ass" Not "lick your ass" but yo ass". I know jive talking when I see it baby mama.
"temp jobs in porn work " I bet the person searching for this was H O T, hot!
"getting a boner " Maybe Richard "Boner" Stabone can help? By the way It's hard to find a good Richard "Boner" Stabone pix on the net. Give it a try.
"mr moms porn" Here ya go buddy...*Warning*... this site is best viewed with Jesus, sinners beware.
OK enought with that. You may find this slightly less retarted. "Victoria Beckham stunned diners at a trendy eaterie last night in this see-through dress with a bag labelled Sex." Oh my!
German Miami Vice Fanclub. | Germans Love David Hasselhoff. | Who Would You Kill On Growing Pains?
While you wasting time on the net check out...Mr. P'body's Place | BathTubGirl | AjayOnline
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Reaching for the Random...and the end?of the holidays (part 1).
1/9/02
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Thank God the holidays are finally over.? Surely, ye few faithful followers of the Mr. Pickles movement have noticed my lengthy hiatus from posting.? Naturally, one would surmise that the holidays are to blame for this, but that's only half the story.? So sit back, grab a choice beverage(beer if you ain't workin'), and listen up while Pickles tells you while this holiday season wasn't so happy.
?
I'm American, I like holidays.? For some reason, this particular holiday season was about as fun as getting kicked in the beanbag by a contruction worker.? It all started back in mid-December as I was at a Christmas party hosted by my cousin.? I was havin' lots of fun, drinkin', socializing, and generally getting an early start on what I figured would be a happy and festive holiday season.? After the party was over, as I was disrobing in the comfort of my own home, I noticed that my ankles were all swollen up.? Being?intoxicated (this comrade drank too much vodka), I just ignored it and went to bed.? The next morning, I noticed the swelling had actually gotten worse.? To give you an idea: my ankles looked like the ankles you see on those little old ladies that prefer to shop for groceries at the local drug store(Walgreen's, Woolworth's, etc...) rather than go to a legit a grocery store.? It was horrible.? And to make matters worse, I had the worst hangover in my life.? I felt like I had been hit over the head repeatedly by a sack full of frozen pork chops.? So after a few hours spent laying on the couch in a near coma, I decide to go to the hospital.? Being a Saturday, the only place to go was the Urgent Care center.? A few nurses take turns looking at the horror, and decided that they don't have a clue what it is, so they decided to send me to the?ER.? The ER is a damn zoo and I spend many hours waiting?amongst a bunch?of people who don't speak English.? Normally, spending a Saturday in the ER wouldn't have bothered me so much given my adventurous spirit.? However, on this particular Saturday, I was supposed to be joining my friends for a weekend of "GOG?'n GROG".? The GOG 'n GROG is a sacred event, not to be missed unless your doctor says so.? So, I'm begging the doc to let me go to the GOG 'n GROG, and he says "What the hell is a GOG 'n?GROG?".??So I explain it like this:?GOG stands for Gathering Of Gamesmen, and GROG means "to drink".? So basically, we spend the weekend playing video games and drinking beer.? Well, I?never made it.? Basically I spent 9 hours at the hospital that day, most of it waiting.? Later that night, after having blood drawn, x-rays and ultrasounds done, they tell me that my body is deficient of protein.? "Eat more protien" the doc says.? So I figure it'll all go away after time, and I start getting mentally prepared for Christmas vacation, oh yah, and I eat some protein.? First stop on vacation is my parent's house.? I really like my parents, so the visit goes well.? A day before Christmas Eve, my wife and I head for her parents house up in the Northern part of the State.? I'm counting myself lucky since everybody at my house was suddenly stricken with the flu/wet craps the very morning we left, and a grin of relief breaks across my face as we make our way to her house.? About half-way through the 4 hour journey, I get pulled over for speeding.? I was passing a car, and I had stomped on it a little too hard to get around them before the next hilltop.? Unfortunately, a Highway Patrolmen saw the whole thing.? Getting pulled over holds a little bit of extra significance for me since my Dad is the Colonel of the Highway Patrol, and therefore this guys boss.? Now, being in a law enforcement family does not gaurantee a free pass to speed.? And being the gentlemen I am (or at least try to be...sometimes), I don't mention a word of my father until after the officer issues me a ticket.? As you might imagine, he is extremely embarrassed and appologetic, but very friendly.? He was just doing his job, so I understand( He later called my Dad to appologize).? However, this does nothing to soothe my already crappy holiday season.? Like I said: Just like getting kicked in the beanbag.? When we finally get to my in-laws house, I notice that my stomach is starting to feel "tight"...........
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Tune in next week to learn about my Christmas day and my visit to a Kidney specialist followed by a renal biopsy.? That sounds scary doesn't it?
I'll be ok.
?
Cheers,
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1/7/02 Zefron Flemister
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"People suck. They should be made fun of." - Josh Martin
1/7/02 CrazyAss13
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 I thought about closing this shit down this weekend, but I'm back for more abuse. Now for something mildly entertaining.
Don't just let you monkey run around shating where ever he or she want's too, put a diaper on the monkey!
Anal Cunt has finally broken up. Fagatron2093 thoughts on the subject, "Anal Cunt broke up? Damn, now I'll have to find a new 5328nd favorite band. I can't imagine whey they're not together anymore, they seemed so successful and happy."
Crazy fucking shit. Sabastion Bach is playing Riff Raff on the Broadway production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show!
I still have nightmares about it this.
Unbelievable....OOOHHHHHH.
MOBY has been hospitalised after being attacked on the street by a cat. What a pussy.
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Some More Crap To Amuse You
1/2/02 CrazyAss13
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 I'm convinced that the web ruled by a bunch of anti social masturbators.
If you read my Christmas wish list you know that Guns N' Roses "new" album Chinese Democracy was on it. I read this today. It doesn't sound to promising and looking at the set list, it doesn't look like they played many new songs. Maybe 4 or 5. Ron Jeremy was there of course, because that guys got class, but they wouldn't let poor Slash in. Come on Axel give the guy a break, at lest he's put out a couple of shit albums after GNR which is more then I can say for you.
Ever wonder what would happen if Scooby-Doo Met Guns N'Roses? Check it out because hi-jinx ensue. I can't believe anyone would waste there time writing this shit.
Download Ron Jeremy answering machine messages here. I have to say they are surprisingly stupid though. Speaking of Ron Jeremy, I think I heard somewhere that he was going to be on the Weakest Link. Anyone else hear this? I haven't been so excited sense Carrot Top was on it because he's so fucking not funny.
Glad to hear Posh is still getting work. Holy fuck check out that pix what the fuck happened to her?
During the early 80s, Ian McCulloch had sex while on acid. Having passed out for a bit afterwards, he gets up to go to the toilet, but forgets to remove the condom.
Still tripping, he begins pissing - and the condom begins to fill up. To Mac's horror, it then bursts. In his confused state, he starts panicking and screaming "My cock's exploded!"
I'm done with you Go To These Sites Now.
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Some Crap To Amuse You
1/1/02 CrazyAss13
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 Don't feel like posting tonight so read this shit and check out the links.
"That's the difference between the lyrics I write and a band like Pearl Jam.? For example:? Let's say you save up enough dough to buy a fucking case of Raw Ass - it's the worst tasting beer we can buy, but that's all we got the money for - you're out in front of the liquor store, and some guy puts it in the back of his truck and fucking takes off.? "Motherfucker!? We just lost our beer and the dough!"? Eddie Vedder will fucking whine about it, being a pussy, and write a song about being a wuss and how it's crushed his fucking life now cause this asshole drove off with his beer.? Come to Black Label, man!? What we do is, we get his license plate number, find out where he fuckin' lives, go down, smash his truck with a cinder blocks through the windshield, get the beer, then light his house on fire, get drunk, and write a song about it.? That's the way Black Label handles it, man!? It's pure fucking comedy at it's best!!
- Zakk Wylde, Black Label Society, Metal Edge, December 1999.
"What we're about to do now is a little game we play. It's gonna be a longstanding
tradition here in the Society.? I'll pretty much ask you a question, and the response should be, 'FUCK YEAH,' cause if it isn't, we're gonna have to take you out back and beat the livin' fuckin' piss out of you."
Zakk Wylde: Question number one: Do the Backstreet Boys suck some major motherfuckin' horse dick?
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
Zakk Wylde: Gavin from Bush. If you look like you shower more than three times a day, and have your fuckin' nails manicured, you fuckin' pussy ass piece of shit, you shouldn't be in a fuckin' rock 'n' roll band, am I right?
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
Zakk Wylde: Next, is Eddie Vedder the whiniest motherfuckin' cunt on this goddamn planet?
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
Zakk Wylde: Listen, do me a favor, as a friend: If you ever, ever, ehhh-ver (yes, he pulled a Chris Jericho) fuckin' hear me singing like that lame-ass cunt from the Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan..."Today is..." SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER! If you ever hear me singing me like that, I'm friends with Mike Piazza, I'm gonna give you one of his fuckin' bats, and beat the fuckin' piss out of me! Would you do it?
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
Zakk Wylde: Thank you. What are friends for? Next: The Goo Goo Dolls. Jesus Christ. If you name your fuckin' band "The Goo Goo Dolls," fuck that shit, man! What the fuck are you thinking? You deserve a can of whoop-ass if you name your band the Goo Goo Dolls!
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
ZW: Last but not least, how good would Britney Spears look with a 12-inch cock in her mouth, am I right?
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
- Zakk Wylde, Black Label Society, October 28th, 1999, Whisky A-Go-Go.
Go to Metal Sludge for more.
Big Dark Cloud's 2001 year in review, go check it out.
Question: What could be better then a Mexican Midget Rodeo? Answer: Well, a lot of things but here's Some clips for you.
The XFL is launched and other stupid sports moves in 2001.
I kind of fixed the archives tonight. It doesn't go all the way back in CrazyAss13 history but it's a start.
Check this shit out!
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