Jerry Garcia is dead

With war discussion taking up most of our days, I decided to write about something totally different. Don't worry, the Midge will probably still piss off a few of you with my following column of disgust. Bring it on.

I can't stand the Grateful Dead! They are quite possibly one of the worst bands that have ever became popular in the history of the world. You may say that Milli-Vanilli beats them out, but at least you can dance to MV without having to take 20 hits of acid. But I think what cracks me up even more is there hodgepodge of stinky, poser, brainless, tasteless fans.

A few years back I was friends with an extreme punk rocker, he at least thought he was extreme, lets just call him Lonni. One day Lonni called me screaming into the phone, "The king of hippies is dead, the king of hippies is dead! We're having a party!"? After picking me up we cruised by the liquor store to pickup a keg, and since it was like a Wednesday night (or some other weekday) the clerk was curious what we celebrating. Once again Lonni yelled "The king of hippies is dead!"? The clerk seemed puzzled, so I explained to him that Jerry Garcia had died, and we were celebrating.

Some may think we were kind of sick to celebrate such an event, but seriously folks, anyone who dies from the "lack of' drugs, not because of a drug overdose, obviously has a connection to the devil. I remember all the cool bumper stickers that came out. "I'm grateful he's dead' was one of my favorites. But I think what astounds me is how unbeleivably sensitive his fucking fans are. You can bag on a Dave Matthews or Phish fan, and they'll just grumble a bit, but if you say anything bad about Jerry and the Gang, holy shit! People freak out! I never thought slow country western music was so appealing? Or as the fans would say "It's a Dead thing.' I usually agree by saying "I rather be dead, then to listen to the dead."? Sure the fans have their reasons. My 2 favorite are; "Have you ever been to a Dead show?' or "You haven't heard the bootlegs'. I was unware they put out any records that were not bootlegs.

I remember a few years back I went to an outdoor festival. It was fucking packed, and I couldn't figure out why everybody was wearing tie-dye shirts. The Allman Brothers were headlining, but I didn't think that would draw that many hippies. Then we figured it out. Bob Weir and Rat Dog hit the stage. For the first 15 minutes of his very painful set I thought he was tuning his guitar, when he was really singing a Grateful Dead song about a blackbird or some stupid hippie thing like that.

I think one of the main things that fuel my disgust for one of the most useless bands in the history of our country, is that they are so damn bad. I mean, even Tom Waits has a certain appeal, but for Christ sakes, the Grateful Dead is bloody fucking awful! The MC5 (the greatest Rock band ever) fucking hated them. While the MC5 was inventing punk rock music in Detroit, the dead were stinking up the parks in California with their love music shit. The MC5 got booed off of stage once when they were opening for Jefferson Starship and the Dead in San Francisco. Wayne Kramer (guitar player from MC5) said that hippies stink, and they don't rock. Maybe that's another reason I don't like the Dead, they have no musical talent.

But lets get back to the fans. You all are really just a bunch of posers. I laugh when I drive past a teenage kid driving a Land Rover his parents bought for him with a ski rack and Dead stickers in the back window of the dancing bears (which wasn't even created by the Dead, but by a fan). You just don't get it.

See music is supposed to be about angst, even Bob Dylan knew that, though, a lot of people did not like him either when he first came out. I saw Joan Baez a few weeks ago. Though I have never claimed to be a fan, I'll have to admit she has musical appeal. Her voice was great, her band and guitar playing was supreme and she even had some great anti-Bush jokes. Even Crazyass enjoyed the show. Joan has something the Dead never had . . . talent.

So take my advice. Rip the Dead stickers off of your SUV. Burn your tie-dye's and pick up a copy of "Never Mind the Bullocks' by the Sex Pistols (My second favorite rock album). Then crank it up! You will soon forget that Jerry is dead.

 Fat Midget