Nerds Gone Wild!
All too often in this age of gadgets, video games, and portable PCs, those with even a touch of technophilia are willing to label themselves as nerds. Its a shame, really, that the stigmata of being declared a nerd as lost its cruel sting. No longer need bespectacled computer experts need fear being used as a makeshift toilet plunger by a gaggle of jocks in search of an outsider. The only thing that a nerd needs fear from a sport-lover now is being unfairly fragged in a clandestine deathmatch meeting online.

However, even though the traditional nerd model has been destroyed by the modern day, a hardcore subculture true to all things geeky still thrives. I am proud to declare myself party to this devoted mass of all things totally fucking lame, and for over a decade now I have been attending our annual summit whereupon we all meet to share with like-minded brethren our deepest of thoughts. Tonight, I shall give you a personal tour of Gen Con the annual event where all lovers of D&D and other pencil and paper role-playing games meet to really get wild!

It seems only appropriate that Gen Con is held in Wisconsin (at least until next year) for only the state with the fattest population in the world could withstand the incredible girth that seems to come standard with attending this event. Seriously, if youre super fat and looking for a good ego boost, I cant recommend Gen Con enough. Youll not only think to yourself, God, maybe Im not that fat! Youll also feel like The Fonz once youre surrounded by the overwhelming throng of super-nerds this event collects (yours truly included).

Not only does it attract numerous people with glandular problems coupled with eating disorders, it also beckons famous midgets, idiots in costumes more idiotic than the idiots themselves, people who never quite outgrew making forts for their action figures, those who just gather solely to act like elves for three hours, and girls in chain mail bikinis. It is also one of the only places on earth where balloon attire is still considered novel and partly cool.

And now a moment of silence, please, for the passing of Kinships magazine. Somehow in this world of Internet access and racks filled paperback reads, a 16-page, hand-stapled, black and white magazine dealing with short stories and poetry strictly about Dungeons & Dragons characters just couldnt make it past issue number 2. How this could be, Ill never know, but allow me to write a poem from the closing issue:

Death Of A Mage
By Bobbi Sinha-Morey

Fallen mage bleeding in the lightly fallen snow
Summons the aid of a crow
Who leaves a trail of indigo for cloaked soul
To follow over bridge of bones
Carrying opals in his pocket to cure dying men with their glow.
Inside cave illumined by candlelight
Mage chooses to relinquish his life
Giving benefactor diamond of knowledge
To learn what is blessed and to give the earth back its breath
Restoring its rhythms,
Feeling its heartbeat
Deep within the layers of its chest.

I know, I know, its a tear jerker. But fear not, a note in the final issue gives us hope, telling us that the creator of Kinships is still keeping the faith alive at the Dandelion Studios website: http://home.mindspring.com/~silvar/minions/

I, for one, personally thank Christ every day for this.

Even if you dont like D&D, theres plenty of other games and attractions for you. Such as Barbies Bad Hair Day, where you actually get to play one of Barbie and her pals as they go on a murdering rampage. Or you could look through the many booths filled to the hilt with porno anime DVDs. You could ask Link, So are you gay or what? Maybe youd like to get your picture taken with the guy who invented D&D, Gary Gygax, while holding up one of your RPGs. Or you could just hang out with unhot chicks and tell them that youre a gay X-wing pilot that got booted from starfleet for needing corrective lenses. (And yes, I know that was a Star Wars Star Trek cross reference faux pas. Go fuck yourself.)

So what was I doing during all of the festivities? Mostly I hung out in our hotel room, got drunk and masturbated. Honestly, Ive never experienced such an overwhelming horniness, which is totally mysterious considering that the minimum weight requirement for dudes is 350 pounds, and the girls arent much better. The only explanation I can offer is that I was feeding off the pent up frustration present in 99.9% of the attendees. Thus, it was a jerk off marathon brought about by symbiosis.

It just occurred to me that many readers are probably asking themselves two things having gotten this far into the article. First, how many cocks can Crazy Ass 13 fit up his poop shoot (the answer to that is 4 or 5, depending on dick girth). Second, and harder to answer, what the fuck is D&D and what the fuck is a role-playing game. That is too difficult and too boring a question to answer. So instead, I leave you with this picture which pretty much sums up what playing Dungeons & Dragons, and being a Gen Con attendee, is all about.

Adieu fuckers!

Fagatron 2093