Theres being gay, and then theres being a total gaywad. Theres being a homosexual, and then theres being a homo. Theres being a person that enjoys being on the giving end of anal sex, and then theres being a buttfucker. With a name like Fagatron 2093, I expected to be accused of being gay, but never in my wildest dreams did I think Id be deserving of being truly called a faggot.
Well, its official. I am totally, absolutely fucking gay. Why? Because I now think Disney World is one of the coolest places on Earth. Go ahead, laugh if you must. I was just like you only a week ago. Living my life with the firm belief that Disney = shit. But Im here to tell you otherwise. Disney World in Florida is like a constant, pleasant acid trip.
Disney doesnt fuck around when it comes to entertainment. They do everything huge and overwhelming. For example, its not enough for them to have a fireworks show every night. No, they have a fireworks show over a giant lake they built where theres flamethrowers, lasers, and a giant globe with pictures flashing across it.
The best example of this excessiveness I saw was at Epcot. Each section of this park is divided into 13 different countries, with all the building and attractions in those areas being devoted to that culture. Wanting some tacos, I went to Mexico. There, I was surprised to find that all the people behind the counter were Mexican. I made a joke to myself that I had found the one place at Disney where the employees matched the culture they were working for but I was wrong! Disney flies in hundreds of people from other countries and gives them one year work visas so each country can be truly authentic. If you go to the Norway section, its staffed by native Norwegians. Even Canada has all Canadians working there!
Each country also has its native beer and liquor there. So you can try to go around the world and get completely hammered on Disney grounds. Not only that, but between 9 pm and 2 am an area called Pleasure Island opens where you have to be 21 or over to get into. The place is filled with 9 clubs and waiters walking around outside selling Jell-O shots. I was lucky to get in 3 hours of sleep a night with all the stuff going on.
So yes, I was drunk 85% of the time I was at Disney. And yes, I was there for some bullshit business trip, so I didnt have to pay for anything. In fact, I got taken on a bunch of behind-the-scenes tours and got to eat at private restaurants not open to the masses. I was also there on the week before Thanksgiving the slowest time of the year so I didnt have to wait in a single line.
This does not mean, however, that I didnt have the sense to appreciate the fact that the entire 22-square miles of park is immaculately clean. Even the bathrooms smell great. And all the employees are unusually happy. Some of you may be scoffing that this is due to the brainwashing they go through, but who fucking cares what the reason is? Its nice for a change to not have park attendants ignoring you or pretending that it takes so much concentration to run a log ride that they cant answer a question.
My only regret about going to Disney World is that I didnt bring my camera because I thought it was going to be so lame. So, the only memento I have from the trip is this postcard from the cover band that plays after each evenings New Years Eve celebration. Anywhere else, Id rip a band call Ka Bang to shreds, but at Disney they seemed right at home. Make sure and go to www.bigbuzz.com/kabang to get a further taste of this supergroups musical stylings, but dont hold their atonal rhythms against Walt. The guy truly did build the craziest place on Earth. And I am truly gay for saying so.
Fagatron 2093
