Tears & Ice
Ashamed as I am to admit it, I must confess that I have become caught up in a certain mid-season series from those fine purveyors of television trash at Fox. No, Im not talking about Bachelorettes in Alaska (a program that Im boycotting due to the high level of heterosexual undertones). The show I speak of is American Idol.

Like many other people, theres just one reason why I started watching this mental bile. It wasnt due to my keen interest in our talented and sexy youth of today nor because of the sense of empowerment I feel when I get to vote for who gets to go on to a life of scandal and debauchery. Rather, it was because I like to see people cry. The more people that shed tears and the bigger the bawling they do the better.

(Quick side note: The only thing better than seeing someone you dont know cry is to see someone fall on ice the older the person the better. The best incident of this of all time was way back in the days of yore when CrazyAss and I first met. We were walking around during winter talking about how to properly suck a dick and the joys of seeing someone slip on an icy sidewalk. As were talking, a girl not more than five feet in front of us totally biffs it. Im talking both feet above the head slip and fall. She lands square on her back and lets out an agonized urrrrrgh& CrazyAss and I gave each other a look that said, Holy shit! Can you believe that just happened! We skirted around the girl, not able to assist her due to our being too busy trying to hold in our laughter. We couldnt keep it in forever, though, and we busted out immediately after we passed her. I dont know what ever happened to that girl&I think she committed suicide.)

Now dont go climbing your fucking high horse and act like you dont like to see people get all puffy eyed and snotty nosed (or seeing them accidentally injure themselves on frozen liquid). Just admit that you too like to see tears being shed as long as theres sufficient physical and emotional distance from the sniveler that you dont have to get involved. The reality show explosion alone proves Americas love of cry babies.

Somehow, though, despite all the tears squeezed out during the first few episodes of American Idol, the constant blubbering didnt satisfy me. I was mystified by my lack of joy until I saw the Tough Enough reunion show on MTV. For those not in the know, Tough Enough has been on two seasons, and it features a bunch of kids competing to be professional wrestlers. Naturally, every cast member and trainer has a huge chip on their shoulder and they cant wait for someone to try and knock it off.

Anyway, on the reunion show, nobody held back and they sounded off on everyone that had pissed them off. One former cast member in particular, I think his name was Darryl, got completely trashed from everyone. During the whole show, he looked like he was doing everything in his power to hold back the tears and thats the element you need for crying to be enjoyable.

American Idol is filled with drama queens all too willing to dribble at the slightest provocation. Tough Enough was filled with people who would do anything to hold back the tears. It reminded me of how my dad used to berate me with high-pitched taunts of Whats the matter baby? Gonna cry? Go ahead and cry, baby. Wah, wah, wah! whenever I would start bawling. I would try my damnedest to hold back the tears, getting angrier and angrier, which would eventually make me cry all the harder.

Come to think of it, I owe my dad a real ass whooping. I should fucking go hose down his front steps this winter, and just wait for him to slip and fracture his hip. Then wed see who likes the old Go ahead and cry, baby, routine.

Fagatron 2093
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