The Joys of Being a Bastard When living in a large city, one is given ample opportunity nay, one is practically encouraged to be a buttwad to your fellow man. This is exactly the way I like it. Some will tell you that love for others on this planet is its own reward. That every act of kindness is like a ripple in the ocean: unseen perhaps, but having an effect on everything in some small way. Im here to testify that bad karma is bunch of bullshit. Unless, in the next 10 minutes, I get captured by a group of leprous gang rapist who also happen to be medical doctors intent on using me for years as their personal slave and surgery guinea pig while never administering any anesthesia for either treatment, I am living proof that what goes around does not, in fact, come around. On a daily basis, Im constantly performing small deeds in the name of assholism. I am always giving out directions when asked even though I have no idea of the requested landmarks locale. When bums ask me for change, I dont just tell them no, I make sure to personally snub them. Not only does this keep them from asking me for nickels the next time we meet, it also lets them know how truly better off I am. (As a side note, Id just like to add that amongst the hundreds of times Ive been asked for money by street urchins, I can count on one hand the occurrences where Ive actually given them money. One literally cornered me in a dark alley, scaring the shit out me, and I gave her money to get out of my face. One time I was totally fucking drunk and had no idea what I was doing. One guy let me know that there was some crap on my nose and he also had a hat made out of bubble wrap I figured service with style deserved a pittance of some kind. Another guy got on the subway and very loudly gave a ten minute speech about how he knew we worked hard for our money, and that we deserved every penny we squeezed out of life. By the end of his soap boxing, I felt so damned good that a dime was well worth the self-esteem boost. But those are the only times Ive given up cash to bums!) As you can imagine, though, as you tread down the bastards path it slowly becomes harder to find new and exciting ways to trample on the backs of others. And, Im sorry to say it, but try as I might Ive never participated in a more heinous emotional attack on another human being for no good reason other than the pure joy of being mean than I did five years ago. While sitting around the house with CrazyAss, the phone rang. I answered and was greeted by a very timid female voice on the other end that asked simply, Is Frank there? Now, as anyone who has watched Crank Yankers knows, you never just tell people that they have a wrong number when theres such a high potential for anonymous malevolence presents itself especially if youre a Muppet. So, after removing CrazyAsss mouth from my cock I informed the young lady that indeed the person she sought was present and handed the phone to CrazyAss. Brilliant homo that he is, CrazyAss said into the phone, This is Frank. Imagine my torture as CrazyAss carried on a fifteen minute conversation with this girl, ontinually saying such things as, yep, sounds good, and pizza is radical! Yet there I was, forced to one side in a verbal exchange. After hanging up the phone, CrazyAss told me how he was speaking with an incredibly shy sorority girl who thought she was talking to her fraternity brother blind date for the year-end formal. This initial conversation was just to get to know each other and discuss minor details regarding attire coloring. What a marvelous jest, thought we. How mortified this young lass would be once she called the correct number later and talked with the real Frank. Two days later, though, the same girl called again to ask more questions of Frank regarding the upcoming formal. It was here that the definitive decision of whether to be righteous or wretched had to made. The choice was clear to both CrazyAss and myself, and the latter option was chosen. Over the next couple weeks, the innocent maiden got to know Frank quite well, and had much to look forward to. Frank would wear a cummerbund and tie that matched her dress color, and they would drive to the formal in a limo that he would pay for. Before the dance, they would dine at the finest restaurant in town (again, the tab generously being picked up by good old Frank). Afterwards, they along with three of Franks friends and their formal dates would go to their fraternity house to party. The shy girl mentioned that she liked wine coolers, and Frank assured her that he would personally see to it that a wide selection of many delicious flavors would be available. Although she did want to meet before the date of the formal, Frank informed her that this would be quite impossible due to his studies. However, it would be possible for them to meet at a nice bar an hour or two before their dinner reservation so that they might enjoy a bit of time face to face. She agreed to this. Naturally, as a reward for all our duplicitous labor, CrazyAss and I along with ten or so other people we had told about this were at the bar anxiously awaiting the arrival of our soon-to-be emotionally destroyed formal flower. All agreed that this was indeed the cruelest thing ever perpetrated. The accolades of our fellow fuckers was all ours. Unfortunately, the girl never showed up. Had she discovered our ruse? Had we built up our fake romance too much? Or worse, was she playing us? We may never know having been robbed of the storys d?nouement. Despite this, the dark glow of such an evil act has never left me. She may have taken our conclusion, but the victory scars of our forked tongues still remains. Fagatron 2093 Site Stuff Or AIM Me Archive What The Fuck? What Is Art? Friends Big Dark Cloud Perfect Echo Outbreed Loaded Again Rex Magazine AjayOnline CrazyFuckedUpShit Funky Shit Poosah Sinnocence BathTubGirl Gimps Something Awful Other Links The Webshite Mr. P'body's Place Don't Mess Around Meat Market Lax Time Cheesy Thighs Snow Surfer Nethitters Too Square Kill To Cure Chicken Legs Class Or Sex Retnuh THP Fox Fairy