As a dutiful relative newcomer to New York City, Im currently doing my best to see all the tourist sites that I can. While making these rounds, the thought that most often comes to my mind is, Why do we want to see this shit? I mean honestly, after noting that the Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore, Golden Gate Bridge, et al are not just figments dreamt up by postcard marketing executives, theres really nothing more to do at these national treasures than scoff at how much they charge for hot dogs and ponder the possible sentence for shoplifting a souvenir snow globe.
Such a train of thought is all I expected from a visit to one of New Yorks most ubiquitous monuments, the Empire State Building. After all, its just a big fucking building, and theres plenty of those around. Oh sure, theres a high on view of the city, but how long could that thrill last?
Turns out I was right. However, far be it from me to diminish the Empire State Building as a true marvel of mankind. On the contrary, waltzing about the observation deck put me in absolute awe for never have human hands constructed a finer baby-killing device.
New Yorks official stance is, of course, that the Empire State Building is not made for snuffing infants lives (as witnessed by this easily edited sign), but the subtle signals and construction traits tell another story. For example, infants are allowed up to the observation deck free of charge. So you can take up as many babies as you can carry without needing to hide them under your shirt like this pregnant person. Or is it really afat, talking mouse? No, definitely someone whos with child.
Once the express elevators have taken you and all your infantile baggage to the top in scant seconds, youll find a plethora of ways to dispose of your newborns. Those who prefer subtle methods can simply leave their babies on a ledge for the huge pigeons to eat. Just watch out that you dont accidentally try to shove a child into the many other large holes that abound atop the Empire State Building. If youre like me though, youll go for the failsafe. Chuck your babies high over the fence and either A) The baby will fall to its death, or B) Be impaled on the scythe-like spikes.
So if youve got a car-load of toddlers that you need to dispose of, dont just throw them out the window. Nobody likes a sloppy baby killer. Come to New York and do it the right way the Empire State way.
