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Elimidate + Dismissed = Shit
12/13/01 Mama Los Huevos De Mi Perro
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 What in the world is with these dating shows (Elimidate, Dismissed, etc..) where one overly egotistical goober goes on a series of dates with 3 or 4 rejects of the opposite sex with esteem levels smaller than their pathetic brains? How conceided do you have to be to think that 3 retards would compete over little old you? Come to think of it, if you are so attractive why are you on a show that airs at 10pm on UPN to find a date?
The show should be done medevial style. You know, 3 men enter one man leaves. It could be called "Battledate". Contestents would use chainsaws, flame throwers, homosexual basset hounds. Anything they can get their hands on to defeat and conquer the enemy and win the hand of the ho. If it were women, they would just mudwrestle.
I saw part of an episode the other night. Three girls were competing over the biggest dildo I have ever seen. This dude was wearing tight suede pants with a black designer wife-beater tucked in so he could show off his muscles (probably from beating off his greyhound). Their romantic evening began where every date should; the walk-thru aquarium. The competition was fierce as each girl tried to impress the would-be suiter with their knowledge of aquatic life. One girl did know quite a lot which was strange considering she looked like she was kicked out of the trailer park for being too slutty. The others didn't know what todo. They started making shit up like, "Ooh look! There's a spottedminge!" Uh, sorry ladies, pull up your pants and get off the show.
Well, I had to change the channel or risk having my wife walk in on me. I do wonder which skanky ho ended up winning. She should be proud of her self. Does that metter? No! What matters is the fact that there are people who actually find this crap entertaining. Here's my solution. Round up all the winners from the show, drive 'em over to the trailer of the one person actually watching this piss, beat them until they're stiff and swolen, then use their worthless asses as missles to shoot at Bin Laden. Wait! That would be too honorable for these freaks.
I guess I could just change the channel. Carson Daly is so dreamy!
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Mama Los Huevos De Mi Perro
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Ancient Artifacts That Time (& Tania) Forgot
12/12/01 Fagatron2093
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 Talk about timing! The very day after I finished writing about the crazy lady next door (an article Im sure all of you remember ever so fondly), she announced via scathing note that she was tired of paying my moms exorbitant rent ($300 a month a steal in the particular city I currently call home) and was moving out. Yes, friends, Tania doesnt live here anymore.
Since I both live with my mom and am unemployed (double whammy!), it was I who was left in charge of both making sure that Tania didnt abscond with any furniture she didnt arrive with over seven years ago (in other words, nothing), and tearing out the carpet and painting the walls (both of which literally havent been done in 20 years) for the new and hopefully not quite as eerie tenant to come.
Credit where credit is due, Tania was almost psychotically meticulous about not taking things that didnt belong to her. So, between moving things out of the basement for the first time in 20 years and finding things that Tania had buried under all of her crap for the last seven, Ive been unearthing some great treasures of nostalgia.
In addition to seeing the table that my friends and I used to play Dungeons & Dragons on (sadly enough we still play D&D, just on a different table) and finding a leather-bound book of photos from 1910 that I forgot I had, I discovered two amazing artifacts that made me say, Guhwuah! when I saw them.
The first is The Bitch Witch. I first came across this awesome book when CrazyAss13 and I lived in London&
 Upon reading that statement, many of you are probably thinking something to the effect of, CrazyAss and Fagatron lived together in London? Well, Fagatron is named Fagatron, and about 68% of the men who live or have lived in London are gay, therefore CrazyAss13 must be gay. Let me assure you, not so. In fact, were you to accuse him of such a thing to his face, hed likely beat you up in a very heterosexual fashion. Although there was that one time at a bar when a girl offered us $50 bucks to make out, and he gave me a look that seemed to be torn between, I just may be drunk enough that kissing a dude for cash is worthwhile, and Try it and I will fucking crumple all the cartilage in your nose. Hmm&
Anyway, there was this open air, used book market along the Thames that appeared every weekend that, from riding the subway for two hours a day and reading like Ive never read before or since, I was quite fond of. When you see the words Bitch Witch on the spine of a book, you dont read the back to see if youll like it. You pay your pound, and you buy it before anyone else grabs it out of your hands. Thats what I did, and for my wisdom I received the trashiest, most retarded, most outlandish erotica book to ever grace the printed page.
Credited to anonymous this Blue Moon publication (by the way, please go this companys website and try to figure out what the hell youre supposed to do. I dare ya!) was supposedly written in Victorian times by a female but Im thinking more likely a middle-aged virgin with a Zen for jotting down his extended masturbation fantasies who went against societys mores and dared to keep a journal of her bizarre and varied sexual experience. Needless to say, theyre quite ribald indeed.
I think I read Bitch Witch three or four times in London, and Im in the midst of reading it again. Im at the part where Elizabeths school teacher has finished giving a caning to her bare bum, and is about to give her a cane of a different sort. Love it!
 The second and even greater treasure is two bottles of Finesse shampoo that are at least a decade old. How can I date them so accurately? Well, the last time I remember using Finesse is in junior high, when it used to be my regular brand, when I used to attempt to take care of my hair, when I used to offer the devil my soul if he could see to it that I be stripped of my virginity before age 16 (way to drop the ball, Satan). Not to mention theres no website address to be seen anywhere on the bottles now thats old!
I dont know why I quit using Finesse, but the way I saw it, here was the companys chance to rekindle our manufacturer/consumer relationship. This was even more exciting then that time I found a can of soda in the far reaches of my dads refrigerator that was so old it didnt have the indent at the top of the can. It tasted like aluminum by the way.
Wiping off the thick layer of dust, I took the bottles immediately to the shower to test the effects of time on shampoo. The Professional Size bottle of Finesse no longer had a pump that worked and the hair cleaning agent inside was filled with plentiful rock-like lumps, so I was a bit scared at first. Luckily, the innards of the Shampoo Plus Conditioner bottle (emblazoned with New! across the top) did not suffer this fate.
Here it is a few hours after the washing, and I have to say, maybe I should go back to Finesse. It smells kinda nice, actually did seemingly condition my hair as well as cleanse it, and didnt make my hair fall out in clumps ten years past its prime. Something to think about, ladies, if youre hoping to look attractive for all the mutants when you leave your nuclear fallout shelter.
Fagatron2093
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Check This Shit Out !
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Reaching for the Random.
12/11/01
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 Ok, I've decided that my weekly column needs a clever "call-sign".? I've decided upon the above title of "Reaching for the Random".? This serves two purposes.? First, it's satisfies my need to have my own little niche in the on-line world.? And second, if you don't like my posts, seeing the title at the top will alert you to a new Pickles post, and you can go back to beating your meat over Britney Spears.
Proceed....
By now, some of you have already surmised that a good portion of my childhood was spent in Wyoming.? Don't feel sorry for me.? I really liked it there.? Anyways, I figured it might be a good idea for me to share with you some of the things that make Wyoming such an interesting place.? This week, I'm going to be?tackling the subject of the wily Mountain Goat, which lives in the various?mountain ranges around?the nether regions of the Cowboy State.? My Dad took?the picture of?the above mountain goat.? Now some of your probably don't really care, and are surely saying "Why does Pickles want to tell me about Wyoming?? Isn't it?a foreign country?? Plus, I don't like goats 'cuz they smell funny."? Well, listen here knuckle-tits, this is a mountain goat, which is far different, and more elusive, than your average run-of-the-mill billy goat.? Second, you will notice that this picture was taken in a very close proximity to the subject goat, which is impressive all by itself.? Third, this goat isn't just standing there eating grass.? No?Sir!?? This goat is preparing for take-off.? See how he is storing energy in his haunches and preparing for a leap into the air?? That, my friend, is why this particular mountain goat is so special.? So, for those of you wondering how these guys make there way onto those tiny rock outcroppings; now you know!? They can fly.? Unfortunately, my dad didn't get a picture of this goat in-flight, but you can see an artist's rendering of this phenomena here.
All this?talk about goats?is probably?getting some of you hot and bothered, but?it's really got me craving a good glass of goat's milk.? Yummy!
By now, some of you are probably saying: "Damn, I wish I had me one of them cute little goats!"? Pickles has you covered.? This site is the?yardstick by which all other goat websites are measured, and trust me, there?are plenty of 'em.? Goats make good gifts.
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Changing gears...
Have you hugged a moron today?
I came across this article while reading Fox News.? Read it?? Ok, heres my question: How the hell are they going to find out who?they are if they can't identify?them in the first place.? On the same subject, I found what looked like a magazine subscription card under my car the other day as I was returning a movie to Blockbuster ("Home Grown" is a good show).??Giving exception to the fact that the card has been run over more times than the Detroit Lions defense, you will see that the information side looks fairly normal.? But when I looked at the other side, I saw something pretty interesting.? See the circled part?? What the hell are they talking about?? They're?going to prosecute me if I send in a blank card?? Well, come and get me tough-guys, I live at:
Name_______________________
Address_____________________
City___________________? State____?? ZIP________
Final Note:? If this is true, some of us are gonna be shaving more than just our faces every day.? You know who you are.??? Get out your hand-held mirror and shave that shit.
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Cheers
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How NOT To Act Around Celebrities
12/10/01 Evilsockm
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 Hello out there in TV-land! Evilsockm here to tell you just how NOT to act around celebrities. I mean, for fuck's sake, it's just another human being. Not like it's a purple alien that wants to screw you silly. But hey, I'm getting a touch ahead of myself, aren't I? Let me set the scene for you...
On Dec. 1, 2001, a cold, fateful day in Laramie, WY, I had the privilege of attending what I assumed would be a night of fun and hilarity. To be more specific, I went to see Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes do a question and answer session. That's right, Jay and Silent Bob struck Laramie. Hard to beleive? Well, it happened. And Columbia Tristar taped the whole damn thing. For the most part, it was great. Oh, but then there were the jackasses. Hundreds of them, Impeding MY fun. It seemed like if they weren't trying to piss Kevin off, they were trying to suck Jason's dick. So anyway, here are some rules for celebrity encounters:
1. Just because you've seen their movies and own them all on DVD doesn't mean they are your friends. Stop asking them to smoke weed with you.
2. If you are too drunk to walk, you are too drunk to ask an intelligent question. Shut the fuck up and sit down.
3. Just because you are a slut does not mean the celebrity wants you to suck his dick. Stop asking them to use you as a sex toy. Let them ask you.
4. Standing up and shouting "Woo!" in the middle of the show does not make you cool. It just makes you the loudest jackass.
5. Celebrities have better things to do than call your friends. I have better things to do than watch you ask them to do so.
6. If the celebrity asks you to shut the fuck up and sit down, you win the asshole award. Hooray for you.
7. Celebrities don't want to come to your house and do the show. Big venues pay them money to do that.
8. You aren't as funny as Kevin Smith. If you were, you'd be on stage, and he'd be in the audience.
9. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to see your dick. Nobody.
Outside of the lamebrains asking stupid questions, it was a very good and thought provoking show. If you get the chance, I'd highly reccommend that you go see one. Just follow the damn rules and you should be fine. Enjoy!
p.s. If you are one of the aforementioned jackasses, why don't you just sit there and fuck off.
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Only Built For Crazy Links
12/9/01 CrazyAss13
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 I don't got much for you today just some links and random crap. First up, I submitted a photo to BathTubGirl's open gallery and she used it, check it out. I'm starting to take more photos again so you'll probably start seeing that more on the site.
Links, Fake News, & Plugs
I doubt if you've heard of Blu Cantrell but I guess she had some kind of a r&b hit some time back, anyway here's her porno past. This jizz mopping game is interesting if nothing else. Go play JizzMoppa. You got to see this Def Leopard flash animation! I fucking laughed my ass off. I don't really understand this whole Yatta thing, and yes I've read this. Best camgirl ever! Cats are evil and you must stab them! Have you visited Cindy Crawford's Lesbian Vampire Supermodel Free-For-All? Have a problem? Ask a hitman. Agent Provocateur new commercial stars Kylie Minogue
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Mr Pickles whistles a happy tune!
12/06/01 MrPickles
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 Congrats to everyone who got the last quote correct (Oh ya, I've decided that movie quotes are fair game too...and you may be saying to yourself:? "That tricky Mr Pickles, I wish he'd quit makin' us guess these stupid quotes and shit."? To all of you, I say: "Eat my shorts.").? Naturally, your respective moms have been notified of your achievement.? If you had no idea, the?lyric came from the title track to TOOL's latest album "Lateralus".? If you don't have it, buy it, dammit.? Put your headphones on?and listen to the whole album...it will take you to another place.? While we are on this subject, check out the mind-blowing artwork of Cam DeLeon...you might see a few images you recognize. Also, Check out Caroline's Spine.? I've seen these guys live, and they rawk. Moke is cool too...I've never seen 'em live though.? Try out their music if you dare.
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On a totally random note:? I was typing an email to my mom,?and as I went back through to spellcheck it, I found that instead of spelling the word "and", I had mistakenly typed "nad".? I wonder how many times I've done this?nad never caught it.
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Project: Donkey Punch
After reading CrazyAss13's post on 11-28, I visited the American Jackass sight, and proceeded to laugh my ass off as I read the crazy sex page.? In particular, the "Donkey Punch" intrigued me...not that I want to try it, but I was wondering why they called it a "Donkey Punch".? So I took the liberty of doing some research.? First off, I actually found a picture of a few donkey punchers on Grigaliunas.com.? Goofy bastards.??Nad, it shouldn't really come as a surprise that there is a band called Donkey Punch...I bet they suck.? Looks like this guy though it would be clever to make a "Donkey Punch" hockey team.? I bet he donkey punches his cat.? And some poor guy on?a BMX message board actually got called a?"donkey punch" by another guy!? I guess I thought "Donkey Punch" was a verb.??Alas, after all my hard work, I never found any specific reason for the nomenclature, which leads me to believe that the dude that coined the term was probably heavy into beastiality (so are you, if you drool over this site).? Also,?I thought the "Rear Admiral" was pretty funny too.? By the way...if you have Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 for PS2, go to the Los Angeles level, and look at the movie theatre..."Rear Admiral" is playing!? Har har!? If you don't have it, buy it.
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Final note:? I recently received an email from this guy who needs our help.? He writes: "I?am studying the effects of pornographic images on the growing cycle of?corn (no shit, it's one of those crazy science-fair experiments).? Will a corn plant surrounded by porn images grow faster than a plant that is not?? Well, that is the exact question?I hope to answer, but sadly,?I'm running out of quality porn to show?my plants.? If any of you have ever driven across Iowa,?you can only imagine what?our research might mean!??5 words for you: naked chicks in the corn!!? Please, Mr Pickles, can you organize an army of people to email me all their porn??"
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Well, you heard the man!? Rise up ye purveyors of porn, and??our comrade!? Who, I ask, doesn't want to see naked chicks wandering around the corn fields of our great country!!? Yee-haw!
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Cheers!
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Rick James ex-CIA Crackhead Girlfriend Makes Me Horny!
12/4/01 Fagatron2093
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 I just got done shaving my testicles, and figured now would be a good time to write a piece for CrazyAss13 to both fulfill my promise to him and to give the nicks on my nuts time to heal before I pop in my new San Francisco Fetish Factory DVD, Cum Suckers Trilogy (it got 3 1/2 stars from Gay DVD Empire, but "friends" tell me it's much better than that). What's on my mind tonight? My ever-ongoing obsession with the life of the woman next door.
First, a confessional: I have graduated college, and still live in the basement of my mother's house. In social terms, this puts me well into the pathetic category, and on the cusp of absolute fucking loser. The only thing that allows me to mentally fool myself into thinking that I'm still a moderately cool dude is that the lady who rents out the other part of mom's basement (it's a very large lower level, no?) is such a fuck up it makes me look like Arthur Fonzarelli in comparison.
Meet Tania. This mid-30s single lady likes to attend church functions every weekend, keep her hair in a bun, and get into car accidents so she can collect insurance payments on an aggravating neck injury that seems to flair up whenever the well begins to run dry. Apparently unable to find a sperm donor of her own (I know what you're thinking - who could pass on a frumpalicious dish like this?), Tania's profession of choice when she's not bilking the system is nannying and house-sitting. Of course, since she's adamantly against working weekends or past 5 pm, she does have some difficulty finding regular employ, so more often than not she does temp jobs. Other fascinating Tania tidbits include:
- She never wears dresses of less than ankle length.
- She never wears tops that reveal anything above the wrist or below the larynx.
- In the six years she's lived here, she's never had a male visit her.
- She has female friends over about twice a year.
- All her friends dress exactly like her.
- She doesn't own a TV, a radio, or a computer.
- She does, however, own a sewing machine, which she often runs until dawn.
- I've never seen one article of cloth that she's constructed, and have yet to figure out exactly what the hell she's doing on that damn sewing machine.
- Her living space freaks me out. It smells musty, and looks like it was decorated by a 15-year-old girl.
- She bought a bicycle two years ago, but has yet to ride it for fear of getting attacked and/or raped. (By the way, we live in a city with a crime rate just a touch above 60, meaning it has 40% less crime than the average city - and most of that could be attributed to bored suburb kids stealing Faster Pussycat cassettes out of your car. Little fuckers.)
By the way, I got all this personal information through keen powers of observation, listening in on phone calls, reading mail that wasn't my own, and rifling through all of her personal effects when she's away for the weekend.
As a total aside, I'm watching Jack Van Impe Presents on TV right now. He's noting that an article in The Weekly World News about the four horsemen of the apocalypse asking the French for directions to Rome must be false because if it were true the horsemen would be asking directions to Afghanistan. The World Weekly News false? Impossible! I've never seen a bible banging show that's so unintentionally entertaining - and that's saying a lot considering the volume of Jesus freak programming out there. Check it out. I also recommend having a masturbation fantasy involving anal sex with Van Impe's anorexic wife. It'll give you a nice blasphemous feeling.
Back to Tania, I never could accept the fact that any person could actually be this boring. At first, I thought the obvious - that Tania was a secret agent for the CIA, that this was just her cover, and she chose such a dull lifestyle to get away from the constant adrenaline rush of her thrilling adventures in the name of the US government - but then I found out the truth. It came to me while going through some old music magazines. Tania was actually Tanya Hijazi, wife of the Superfreak himself, Rick James. As you may recall, the pair became somewhat infamous in 1993 when they went on trial for kidnapping a music executive, as well as keeping another woman prisoner for use as both a sex slave and a crack pipe ashtray.The pieces all fit. She kind of looks like the lady in the magazine picture, the first name is pretty much the same, Tania moved into this house a couple years or so after the trial, and heavy crack use is the only way to explain her sunken eyes. Proof enough for me. Case closed.
Fagatron2093
Check This Shit Out!
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Please Drive Through 12/2/01 CrazyAss13
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 "What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? " -Woody Allen
Well, I finally got around to moving to CrazyAss13.com. So update your bookmarks and all that shit. I'm still moving and fixing shit so not everthing is working. If you find anything is really screwed up and I'll tell you what a fucking retard you are. I still got some other stuff to do so I'm not going to do a post tonight. I'll do one on Monday though so check that. >>Please Vote<<
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Tonight is a landmark in CrazyAss13 history, the first double post night! The reason for this is that last night I went and saw an AC/DC tribute band and they rocked me so fucking hard that I couldn't post. I was forced to go home sleep the rock off. The AC/DC tribute band I saw was no other then the number one AC/DC tribute ban (according to their flyer), Hells Bells. I must admit though I know of three, yes three other AC/DC tribute bands I would rather see. AC/DShe
Tonight I'm starting a little experiment. For the next two to three days I'm only going to consume 100% Juices, fresh fruits, vegies, and lots of water. That's right no fast food, no meat, no grains, and no beer for the next few days. Some people call this the hollywood diet (also know as the loose stool diet in some circles) some call it detox and use it to wash all the toxins out of their bodies. I just find it to be an interesting thing to do to my body for a few days. I'll let you know how it goes in between trips to the bathroom in which I'll probably pissing out my asshole.